Why am I still going on about this.....why can't it just go away. I want to forget about this and just go about my life but it always returns to make me feel awful. I don't wanna be bringing this back constantly, but I just feel I got robbed of something that comforted me. I just want this to end...

I was going through a rough time and because of it was treated like I was somehow trying to leech happiness from others when all I wanted was to share things. I am not constantly desperate for connection, but maybe at that moment I was, and being treated like who I am is only that.....hurt so much.

Sometimes I wonder why these people even mattered that much, but at a vulnerable time of my life where I sought connection, I wasn't careful enough and accepted things I shouldn't have just to not be alone. The funny thing is....I'm better on that front now, but the traumatic experience won't leave.

Not only that, but I can't fully enjoy even looking at McCoy without somewhat feeling anxious and in pain. I started associating him with people I regularly interacted with and now that it's sour, I've been struggling deeply to just enjoy Star Trek and McCoy's character alone.

There's.....podcasts that hate him? Tf....

Maybe one day I'll get them and take the time to sit down for it

Never read it but just with the movies...yes, love them

Anyway, bottom line is, I was hurt and treated like a pariah by some people, and I didn't deserve that. Now I'm going to heal and move on from this shit, because what I love shouldn't be tainted by others. I'll enjoy things however I want, and I'm gonna stop caring what others think.

I just wanna enjoy fan content and just appreciate people's work and posts. I'm not seeking connection and bonds in fandoms anymore, all I'm doing is interacting, and that's it. I'm not some leech trying to find people to latch on, I'm a person trying to enjoy content like everyone else.

So why am I talking about this now? I just wanted to get this off my chest so I can heal fully and just stop feeling weighed down. I can't live in constant anxiety that people will just suddenly just avoid me because 1 or 2 people decided to. In the end I don't deserve that at all.

I'm not to blame for other's decision that I'm too burdensome to keep around, and it's just showing me you weren't worth being in my life anyway. Still, it's painful and even when I tell myself these people I knew for only about half a year don't matter, I can't turn that off.

I learned a harsh lesson about trusting people on the internet, and especially in fandoms. I blame myself way too much for things that in the end, are their choice to make. They don't have to care about me or what I'm dealing with, so why should I care about them tossing me away? Not worth my time.