"Maybe I should just quit. Just stop. It's probably better if I'm not around.

Will anyone notice if I just... Left?"

In the end of all this, am I mad? No. Just extremely disappointed. Also hating myself for not being better and for being a disappointment and invaluable. I am undeserving of the things I have been given.

These days, all I do is stare at my monitor and do nothing, and then the thought floats in;

This is why I love Flex Queue in League of Legends. Your rank for the most part doesn't matter in Flex Queue. You can make a team or 3 or 5 with whoever you want as long as everyone is Diamond or lower.

At this time, marvel rivals doesn't have anything like that. Unfortunately.

Solo queue is hell. I already try my best to tolerate people I don't really know. Solo queue especially stretches my patience thin, stresses me out. But today I did it anyway, in hopes of ranking up to my friends' elo. In the end I played 5 games and went 2-3. I'm even further from them now.

There's a holding on this upcoming Monday, so there's the idea of maybe I can get a chance. But the difference in rank is still there. What am I gonna do? One of them suggested "oh you just gotta win 2 games." What they don't remember is that I got to my rank solely with the group.

Fridays are the only days that our schedules line up, because I'm off from work those days. Ironically, my friends don't game on weekends, because it's their days off. So I always had some hope when Friday approached. But it's been filled with disappointment recently.

One said they didn't want to make one. Another argued it would take too long to rank up to the level where I'm at. So they played without me.

Playing the game, laughing together, making memories.

What they didn't consider was that I also could've made an alt acct (or had one in the first place).

Today, my friends gave me some considerations to play ranked matches in Marvel Rivals today. Unfortunately because of the differences in schedules, they have climbed higher than me, so we couldn't play. "But what about alt accounts" they wondered.

All I really want to do is game with my friends. Hang out, spend quality time. But I can't. There's never going to be a time where I just walk up and knock on their door on a whim and ask "hey, mind if I can just hang around for a bit? I won't be long."

I've decided to shut myself away from most social media and communication apps, except here. Because no one is here. I don't want to lash out at my friends. They're really the only good friends I have. All I can do right now is hate myself for the way I am. They're all just so far away.

I'm a big fan of playing Branded Despia, and learning it was quite nice as it had a well written guide on MasterDuelMeta and some pros who were concise with explaining everything on YouTube. If I can get something like that with Azamina White Forest, that would be appreciated.