i can't even work on things myself because it always devolves into "what if i had X" and then planning for more things that need more money that i don't have access to

it just fucking sucks so much and it makes me so depressed that i'm being set back like this

i've been panic-crying for an hour and i can barely see my keyboard

why do things have to keep getting worse
why can't they get better
why me

the amount that is not covered by insurance is $30k

i don't know what i'm going to do if that has to be paid, even if it's only a 5th of that

i'm scared

and i don't even know what's wrong with me in the first place

i can't stop crying, i can't stop being stressed, i can't stop being scared, i can't stop my anxiety, i can't stop my skin writing, i can't stop cancer from killing my family, i can't stop feeling like a failure, i can't stop overthinking, i can't stop my trauma, i can't stop to rest

i don't want to lose everything

i don't want to lose myself

i can't do "normal" work, i can't claim disability, all of my current income will be inaccessible and i'll be literally stranded without a means forward unless i moved, and i don't have the means for that either

i'm scared people will see me differently in person

i'm scared people will expect something that i can't meet

i'm scared something will go wrong

i'm so scared