I'm gonna walk into Walmart in the very middle of the store and yell "The MOOOOOOON" #rivals

They need to put dishwashers on the left side.

Band on the Run is just Bohemian Rhapsody for stoners.

It's called a gorge because it's gorgeous.

#standagainstgoodcrops

I'm sick today and not leaving the house, so fiance and I are going to have a Fuck Nazis movie marathon. Inglorious Basterds, Indiana Jones, Overlord, hit me with suggestions.

If someone told me when I was 20 that in 6 years' time my little baby boy would turn his little butt towards me and FART DIRECTLY AT ME ANY CHANCE HE GETS i would not believe you and I'd be unpleasantly surprised 6 years later 💀

My fiance to my kids in the other room: "Yeah he knows fishman ka-ra-te."

Iykyk

One of the most satisfying things about painting is pulling out the mucous plug.

My fiance and I are going to take taekwondo and go to the bars to find other couples to fight. I really think it's gonna be a confidence booster.

The gummy to cummy ratio on these is off.

I'm so tired of everyone using AI for *everything*. Today I saw someone say they asked AI how many kids and baby mama's Future has.

GOOGLE THAT SHIT oh my goooood we don't need to be SPOON FED this information when we can find it ourselves.

Everything that's happened at McDonald's since the chicken selects and the wraps left has been an absolute affront to society.

When eventually there is a company that combs the internet for your every comment and contribution so your kids can see what kind of stuff you've said over the years, I want there to be an apology on behalf of the "edgy" 14 year old me.

I need a "dancer reacts to original lyrics of song she unknowingly danced to in deodorant commercial" video on YouTube.

Context: youtu.be/URVlmkO76k0?...

I hate when people interrupt me. My solution is to get so stoned that I forget I was talking in the first place. Then no one interrupts me.