I just put a pimple patch on my chin for the first time and I'm 99% sure it fell into my bowl of cereal and I ate it HEEEEEEELP

Me eating my daily serving of disgusting proats

Trying to describe the virtual insanity video to my wife and realizing it sounds like a fever dream:
"There's this guy in a real big hat and he's dancin' around a couch in a room with a moving floor. Oh yeah, there's also just a bigass crow in there with him for some reason, but only sometimes."

(obviously)

My wife shoveled a little path to the car for me this morning :) how's that for women in male dominated fields

The new hot thing at work today is the death date calculator. I'm more suspicious of the 20 days than the 108 years tbh 🤔

Was invited to apply for PR via express entry by a time traveler nbd

Had to ask a dude at access NS to redo all my paperwork today BC he got the gender marker wrong on my license and he was super cool about it and immediately went on a rant about how ridiculous it is that Trump is trying to limit gender expression instead of doing literally anything useful

Sitting at a McDankles surrounded by groups of retired old men and they're all in their own heated discussions about how Trump is such a wackadoo and they'll die before they become American citizens. LOL YES KINGS, RESIST!

She's here :) yippeeeee

Turns out I was merely struggling to recall cookie varieties that actually exist and just started naming ingredients, but fear not, for my queen has suggested "peanut butter chocolate chip" she is my guiding star on a stormy sea

My lovely wife is in a baking mood and just asked me what kind of cookie I would like while I'm stoned off my arse on cannabis oil for the first time in 6 months. This poor, poor, woman. It's been a half hour and I still could not choose if my life depended on it.

I just rolled out/cracked my back for the first time since I had top surgery 6 weeks ago and I'm 99% sure I astral projected

I've realized that what's missing from this app is my wife and that's keeping me from fully engaging because all of my stupid little tweets are for her 😭

I have spent the last 5 weeks curating my tw0tter algorithm to primarily show me hamster content. TELL ME WHY the reverse aging guy and his 19 year old son's nightly erection data was thrown into the mix?

They were a them
They were a them
Can I make it any less obvious 🎵🎵🎵

Having so few followers/people I'm following here feels weird... like I'm in a black hole, or one of those really big public shower stalls that feels weird to be naked in and no I cannot explain any further

Testing testing 1, 2, 3... Uhhh... Is this thing on 👀