I've been sharting my pants too much lately to deny my alcoholism any longer. Telling the family and me on #Thanksgiving it's for my art

You ever turn on the oven and when it beeps to tell you it's ready, your immediate thought is "I don't give a fuck about anything anymore" and you just go turn it off?

The Foo Fighters are "wow sweetie that's so good, let's put it right here on the fridge" rock n roll

Accidently opened this app. Totally forgot about it. Yall must've thought I was dead or something. It's OK, I'm alive and "thriving"

Tammy Wynett doesn't pass the Bechdel Test

This is my dog, he is a product of hundreds of years of people playing God and he isn't the best at breathing but he's still better than me at it.

Younger coworker told me that Mark Hamill was the voice of Joker in the Arkham games and my joints started hurting out of nowhere and there was an AARP card in mail box when I got home.