Garrett Cousino
@xtramediumcomedian.bsky.social
Nola based stand up comedian. This is mostly for jokes I don't want my mom to see.
The motto of the catholic church should be "Kneel and Prey"
August 28, 2025 at 11:38 PM
The motto of the catholic church should be "Kneel and Prey"
The Midwest has been on a 50 year mission to prove that "salad" is not a legally protected term
August 17, 2025 at 3:56 AM
The Midwest has been on a 50 year mission to prove that "salad" is not a legally protected term
The most embarrassing part of this CEO cheating scandal should be the fact that they were at a Coldplay concert...
July 17, 2025 at 11:57 PM
The most embarrassing part of this CEO cheating scandal should be the fact that they were at a Coldplay concert...
Last week a man proposed to ChatGPT and it said yes. He wept with joy. That man also has a HUMAN PARTNER AND CHILD.
Yet I remain single... I think it might be me y'all....
Yet I remain single... I think it might be me y'all....
July 15, 2025 at 3:06 PM
Last week a man proposed to ChatGPT and it said yes. He wept with joy. That man also has a HUMAN PARTNER AND CHILD.
Yet I remain single... I think it might be me y'all....
Yet I remain single... I think it might be me y'all....
I'm in that weird section of millennials where texting is hard because you lose context, phone calls are worse because it feels like a job interview. That's why I prefer live... in person... for one night only... because that's all they give me.
July 12, 2025 at 7:13 AM
I'm in that weird section of millennials where texting is hard because you lose context, phone calls are worse because it feels like a job interview. That's why I prefer live... in person... for one night only... because that's all they give me.
After my set tonight someone bought me a shot of Malort... so I'm not sure if they liked it or hated it.
July 4, 2025 at 3:57 AM
After my set tonight someone bought me a shot of Malort... so I'm not sure if they liked it or hated it.
Reading Drumps posts must be like Guantanamo Bay for Clippy the paperclip...
June 24, 2025 at 11:11 PM
Reading Drumps posts must be like Guantanamo Bay for Clippy the paperclip...
The next time you hear someone obnoxiously rev their sports car or giant truck you can think "well if we all die in nuclear war, at least that guy will die too"
June 22, 2025 at 8:33 PM
The next time you hear someone obnoxiously rev their sports car or giant truck you can think "well if we all die in nuclear war, at least that guy will die too"
Legitimate question: has anyone even tried spanking him for the first time in his life??
June 18, 2025 at 4:18 AM
Legitimate question: has anyone even tried spanking him for the first time in his life??
Anyone else feel like they're the star of season 12 of The Truman Show and the writers are running out of ideas?
June 7, 2025 at 2:09 AM
Anyone else feel like they're the star of season 12 of The Truman Show and the writers are running out of ideas?
Decided to start working for myself and now I understand why people want to kill CEOs.
June 5, 2025 at 10:40 PM
Decided to start working for myself and now I understand why people want to kill CEOs.
It's crazy that some people can see a picture of Michael B Jordan with his shirt off and STILL decide to be a white supremacist
June 1, 2025 at 3:10 AM
It's crazy that some people can see a picture of Michael B Jordan with his shirt off and STILL decide to be a white supremacist
If you smoke cigarettes, but you're in a place you can't, you can chew nicotine gum. What are you supposed to do if you vape? Just eat a gummy bear every 35 seconds?
May 28, 2025 at 1:12 AM
If you smoke cigarettes, but you're in a place you can't, you can chew nicotine gum. What are you supposed to do if you vape? Just eat a gummy bear every 35 seconds?
You've heard of cold hard cash, but if you've ever worked a bar or gas station in New Orleans, you know what hot wet cash is.
May 26, 2025 at 10:53 PM
You've heard of cold hard cash, but if you've ever worked a bar or gas station in New Orleans, you know what hot wet cash is.
Cajun is to French what Boston is to English.
I said what I said. And annunciated too.
I said what I said. And annunciated too.
May 22, 2025 at 1:56 AM
Cajun is to French what Boston is to English.
I said what I said. And annunciated too.
I said what I said. And annunciated too.
Don't be like wine. Don't be stepped on by a dozen people just to make one happy.
May 16, 2025 at 6:31 PM
Don't be like wine. Don't be stepped on by a dozen people just to make one happy.
Given the amount of meth made in Florida, I'm actually fine with them banning fluoride in the water. It was mostly being wasted anyway.
May 15, 2025 at 11:52 PM
Given the amount of meth made in Florida, I'm actually fine with them banning fluoride in the water. It was mostly being wasted anyway.
Isn't it weird that everyone's mom has the same birthday??
May 11, 2025 at 4:07 PM
Isn't it weird that everyone's mom has the same birthday??
Carlos Mencia has a mind like a steal trap.
May 10, 2025 at 7:13 PM
Carlos Mencia has a mind like a steal trap.
My brain is a seive with name-sized holes
May 10, 2025 at 5:23 PM
My brain is a seive with name-sized holes
My cat is "Schrödinger's Fat". He's 15lbs but is also constantly on the verge of starving to death.
May 9, 2025 at 1:55 AM
My cat is "Schrödinger's Fat". He's 15lbs but is also constantly on the verge of starving to death.
If I had a swear jar as an adult I'd be a fucking millionaire.
May 2, 2025 at 6:55 PM
If I had a swear jar as an adult I'd be a fucking millionaire.
My kids are fat and stupid, and yeah, maybe I shouldn't have named them that... but in my defense they are also cats, so... 🤷♂️
April 20, 2025 at 4:48 PM
My kids are fat and stupid, and yeah, maybe I shouldn't have named them that... but in my defense they are also cats, so... 🤷♂️
Hyperfocus... lack of interpersonal skills... magical thinking patterns... I think RFK might be ausSTUPID
April 19, 2025 at 11:28 AM
Hyperfocus... lack of interpersonal skills... magical thinking patterns... I think RFK might be ausSTUPID
Went to my first therapy session yesterday and I think I nailed it. They asked me to come back next week 🤞🤞
April 11, 2025 at 9:43 PM
Went to my first therapy session yesterday and I think I nailed it. They asked me to come back next week 🤞🤞