Breaking: Trump announces plans to 'conquer' Greenland for a GrElonLand factory. Says it's 'the best deal,' Elon supplies the Teslas, Trump supplies the tweets, and Greenland supplies... well, green stuff.

When I was a kid, I couldn’t wait to get older because I thought being old was cool. Now that I’m older, I dress like a teenager because being old feels like crap. Goals do get fulfilled if you’re patient… but it’s like Amazon Prime for misery. The timing is always terrible!

You know that moment in a job interview when you fumble an answer so hard you can feel your future self facepalming in real time? And then you glance at the clock, realize there are 28 minutes left, and think, “Well, guess I’m just here to entertain them with my slow-motion career implosion.”

A healthy society is where the elders plant trees knowing they'll never sit in the shade concerning for future generations. Lovely, isn’t it? Not us, though. We’re too busy disrespecting the elders, chopping down the trees, and planning ahead about as far as what we’re having for dinner tomorrow.

World politics right now? It’s like hanging out with your senile grandpa. Super nice while they’re buttering you up for a pack of smokes, then the second you’re gone, they’re badmouthing you to the dog. Classic double standards, but hey, that’s life.

I wish it was cool to always be the one calling and checking in on friends and family. But you know what I keep thinking? Maybe they all got the same cheap-ass phone plan with a company called IDGAF Wireless. ‘Cause their effort signal? Dead. Like, zero bars, man!

This week’s the finale of From Season 3 - monsters, magical trees, crazy dreams, all great. But the real mystery? Their clothes. They have been trapped for years, wearing the same outfits, and their clothes still look better than mine after one wash. What detergent are they using? I need answers!

This year has been crazy - extreme climate phenomenons everywhere, like Mother Nature is trying to send us a group text saying, ‘Stop it!’ But nope, we just keep fracking and burning oil, like we’re waiting for the Earth to scream her safe word. And knowing us, we’d probably ignore that too!

You ever walk around your house staring at stuff, like, ‘Maybe this crooked picture frame or that lamp is some kind of sign?’ Like it’s trying to tell you, 'Hey, buddy, your next big adventure starts here!' And then you’re like, nah, it’s just me - because God forbid I actually do the damn laundry!

I’ve never figured out how to properly answer the question, 'How’s it going?' Like, are they just checking in? Or do they actually want the whole rundown? ‘Oh, it’s great! Except for the funeral I went to yesterday - open casket, by the way, awkward hugs all around.’ I mean, what do they expect?

If audiobooks count as reading, fine, I’ll play along. Then listening to podcasts? That’s studying, obviously. Watching TV? Oh, that’s visual research now, sure. And listening to music? That’s cultural investigation. Like I’m some kind of anthropologist every time I hum along to the Beatles!

Today, it hit me that I was supposed to have crushed my 2024 New Year’s resolutions by now. The silver lining? I can save myself the December guilt trip and just rebrand them as my 2025 goals. Eco-friendly procrastination at its finest!

Tonight there will be a Blue Supermoon at 9:35 ET

The moon will appear about 8% larger than a normal full moon and 15% brighter than a normal full moon.

The next one won't be until January 2037. Keep any eye out tonight!

I always thought future me would applaud old me for my hard work, but old me was just borrowing money from past me, who borrowed from who-knows-when. At this rate, I’ll end up owing myself interest I can’t pay and future me is doomed to bankruptcy!