I could just clean my room, but nah

If this post doesn't make sense, it's because I'm drunk. And, yeah.

For real - ex wives and girlfriends are the coolest companions. Befriend the ex that hates him.

I'm bored, horny, and drunk to the point of stupidity. Oh, lord, I've become a man.

My phone battery is almost dead and it's breaking my heart.

Do a barrel roll!

Is he trying to make a reference to the lady who was SAed in Dubai?

I'm starting the process of learning to do this. I spent so long listening to incompetent people who didn't like me convince me that I shouldn't like me, either.

Idk, parrots are pretty sassy.

Trope*

I particularly hate the triple of the vulnerable, grieving woman who can only be consoled during her darkest moment of despair by a man's kiss.

I can tell pretty quickly that it's a dream because i start obsessively investigating why I didn't have an abortion before it got to that point. The only exception was the one where I gave birth to an alien baby and had to go on the run to hide it from the world's governments.

Doughnut holes and a... chocolate covered mango slice?

Unrepentent stress and misery, in my experience.