the closest i get to being with someone by being the closest i get to being around people who like each other, i mean

like it would've felt rlly good if id just been my 18-going-into-19 year old self

i have people im awkward around enough to feel some kind of want but nothing good or real because nothing has been

i don't wanna make the mistake again and be with someone again over touch because no one is nice and knows how to just leave me alone

like yeah i had those needs in the past - briefly and eventually - and im putting so many chemicals in my body it's something that could chance because in always changing but right now i don't want any of that which people want after touching so much

like yeah love can be sleeping with someone or being made to feel looked after and cared about or being hugged or told to shut the fuck up or being made a drink or getting sent a message

people show love so differently and in my own life i know the way ive shown love changes, as do the kinds of love i want to show and the ways in which i feel able to receive love

i dont think i've ever had someone in my life who consistently makes me feel safe and seen in my delusions of mouseness come to think of it haha lmao

i like being cute and weird but when i get no attention anywhere im like whats the point lol