I forgot my smartwatch at home & I've never felt more naked. Mostly because you can see the outline of where it would normally be.
December 18, 2025 at 1:41 PM
I forgot my smartwatch at home & I've never felt more naked. Mostly because you can see the outline of where it would normally be.
One of the best feelings at work is walking into the bathroom & you being the reason the light comes on.
December 12, 2025 at 1:24 PM
One of the best feelings at work is walking into the bathroom & you being the reason the light comes on.
Just ate a bunch of ham, because I am what I eat, and I can't wait to be thirsty the rest of the day.
December 10, 2025 at 5:48 PM
Just ate a bunch of ham, because I am what I eat, and I can't wait to be thirsty the rest of the day.
December 7, 2025 at 3:55 PM
It's all going to the same place anyway 🤷🏻♂️ #thanksgivingdinner #bigassbowls #mixittogether #comedy
December 7, 2025 at 3:54 PM
It's all going to the same place anyway 🤷🏻♂️ #thanksgivingdinner #bigassbowls #mixittogether #comedy
I don't think people realize they can turn the beep off their microwave! Now you know so you can let it finish the job. #microwave #timeleft #comedy #petpeeve
December 4, 2025 at 9:41 PM
I don't think people realize they can turn the beep off their microwave! Now you know so you can let it finish the job. #microwave #timeleft #comedy #petpeeve
I'm not sure that rippin' a cig while biking in -9 degree weather is good for them lungs, bud.
December 4, 2025 at 3:39 PM
I'm not sure that rippin' a cig while biking in -9 degree weather is good for them lungs, bud.
Someone told me they had steak, shrimp & street corn for dinner. I put leftover chili on top of leftover ranch mashed potatoes with taco blend cheese.
December 4, 2025 at 2:50 AM
Someone told me they had steak, shrimp & street corn for dinner. I put leftover chili on top of leftover ranch mashed potatoes with taco blend cheese.
I coughed so hard this past week from being sick that I pulled a muscle in my neck & I hate being 40.
a cartoon character says " the very instant i became old " in front of a red phone
ALT: a cartoon character says " the very instant i became old " in front of a red phone
media.tenor.com
December 3, 2025 at 1:19 AM
I coughed so hard this past week from being sick that I pulled a muscle in my neck & I hate being 40.
No wonder why chicken has been so expensive. Every fast food restaurant has to have one & think they're the cat's ass at making them.
November 30, 2025 at 5:01 PM
No wonder why chicken has been so expensive. Every fast food restaurant has to have one & think they're the cat's ass at making them.
I apologize to everyone in the men's locker room for the absolute Thanksgiving gift I just dropped in the bathroom.
November 28, 2025 at 1:38 PM
I apologize to everyone in the men's locker room for the absolute Thanksgiving gift I just dropped in the bathroom.
Michael Strahan corrected Terry Bradshaw on Jaxon Smith-Njigba's name because he called him "Njigbu" & he dead ass thought Michael was messing with him. Time for him to "retire."
#NFL
#NFL
November 23, 2025 at 7:29 PM
Michael Strahan corrected Terry Bradshaw on Jaxon Smith-Njigba's name because he called him "Njigbu" & he dead ass thought Michael was messing with him. Time for him to "retire."
#NFL
#NFL
"Looney Left" & "Radical Right." I think I finally get politics. It's about alliteration.
November 6, 2025 at 4:31 PM
"Looney Left" & "Radical Right." I think I finally get politics. It's about alliteration.
The most irritating thing about "fall back" is the fact that I have to press the hour button on my microwave 11 times for the time to be right.
November 2, 2025 at 2:11 PM
The most irritating thing about "fall back" is the fact that I have to press the hour button on my microwave 11 times for the time to be right.
Catch me next month in GB with some people much better than I am
October 30, 2025 at 8:10 PM
Catch me next month in GB with some people much better than I am
I just had a fat sad moment. I forgot I finished my last slice of pizza, went to reach for the last bite & staring back at me was an empty plate.
October 29, 2025 at 7:23 PM
I just had a fat sad moment. I forgot I finished my last slice of pizza, went to reach for the last bite & staring back at me was an empty plate.
Many of us have butt dialed someone, but I bet you never gut dialed your vehicle alarm.
October 29, 2025 at 2:02 PM
Many of us have butt dialed someone, but I bet you never gut dialed your vehicle alarm.
When did appointment times become a suggestion rather than a specified time?
October 17, 2025 at 1:52 PM
When did appointment times become a suggestion rather than a specified time?
Something that really chaps my ass is the fact that I can't watch Charlie Brown's Halloween because it's only on Apple TV+ Who the hell do they think they are keeping the good Charlie from the masses?
October 15, 2025 at 5:09 PM
Something that really chaps my ass is the fact that I can't watch Charlie Brown's Halloween because it's only on Apple TV+ Who the hell do they think they are keeping the good Charlie from the masses?
There's a computer in the studio that's just begging to be restarted. I don't think I'm allowed to & it's making my OCD twitch.
October 14, 2025 at 6:26 PM
There's a computer in the studio that's just begging to be restarted. I don't think I'm allowed to & it's making my OCD twitch.
There is some sort of plant that is on my garage & the garage next door that is such a gorgeous color right now it makes me wanna swear.
October 14, 2025 at 5:30 PM
There is some sort of plant that is on my garage & the garage next door that is such a gorgeous color right now it makes me wanna swear.
Damn you owl from those #tootsiepop commercials
October 8, 2025 at 1:19 AM
Damn you owl from those #tootsiepop commercials
Citi Limitz just showed up & showed out with that national anthem #MondaNightFootball
October 7, 2025 at 12:14 AM
Citi Limitz just showed up & showed out with that national anthem #MondaNightFootball