First they came for the people with short memories, but I did . . . Damn. Can’t remember what I did . . .

God spoke to Mike Johnson. Said “Blessed be the billionaires. Thou shalt give them a massive tax cut. Balance thy budget by cutting Social Security and Health Care.” God threw in a Yea Verily, so Mike knew it was really Him.

About time somebody stuck it to them damn penguins! Who do they think they are? Strutting around in them little tuxedos. Laying back in their Lazy Boy Recliners drinking . . . Whatever the hell penguins drink . . . Well, Donald J Trump has got their number!

Spare a thought for the people running Tulsi Gabbard. Years of effort and millions of dollars spent getting her into a position to leak secrets to them. Then Trump’s guys just GIVE the intel away through sheer incompetence. It’s so unfair!

FBI: Las Vegas. Coming soon to PRIME! Follow Krash Pastel, the new FBI Director. Crime fighter. Gambler. Children’s Author. Okay, forget that last part . . .

It’s not measles, Texas MAGAs. Don’t listen to them liberal doctors with their fancy ways. It’s FREEDOM RASH. The mark of a true PATRIOT. And stay away from them hospitals. What do they know? Just take your horse dewormer and pray to President Trump. Or God. Same thing.

Trump: “We’re moving the gold from Fort Knox and storing it at a much safer location - the bathroom at Mar-a-Lago.”

Dear Former Employee,
We can’t find the key to Nuclear Stockpile #57. An alarm is sounding inside . . . Wait, now a clock is counting down . . .
Please call us back within the next 10 hours. Make that 9 hours 55 minutes . . .
Yours sincerely,
DOGE

Chuck Schumer’s Freedom Fighters! We ride at dawn! Okay, that’s a bit early. Let’s say mid-afternoon, right after Chuck’s nap.