Virginia Wallace
@vwallac.bsky.social
Stand-up comedian emeritus.
The reason why hardly anyone is good at standup comedy is that to get 10,000 hours, if the average open mic is 5 minutes, you would have to go to 120,000 open mics
March 20, 2025 at 10:47 PM
The reason why hardly anyone is good at standup comedy is that to get 10,000 hours, if the average open mic is 5 minutes, you would have to go to 120,000 open mics
The eye doctor's office called to confirm my appointment next week. She asked if I was going to be there, but in these crazy times, who knows? Anything could happen between now and then.
March 17, 2025 at 8:57 PM
The eye doctor's office called to confirm my appointment next week. She asked if I was going to be there, but in these crazy times, who knows? Anything could happen between now and then.
Now it's nightlight savings time
March 10, 2025 at 1:12 AM
Now it's nightlight savings time
Everything is on fire, but I just got $50 worth of toilet paper coupons
January 29, 2025 at 9:00 PM
Everything is on fire, but I just got $50 worth of toilet paper coupons
It's important, when you run the dishwasher, to "seed" the sink by putting a couple of dirty dishes in it to ensure a continued supply of dirty dishes for the dishwasher
January 26, 2025 at 10:24 PM
It's important, when you run the dishwasher, to "seed" the sink by putting a couple of dirty dishes in it to ensure a continued supply of dirty dishes for the dishwasher
People always say eyeglasses, but no one calls the other ones mouthglasses
January 11, 2025 at 3:08 PM
People always say eyeglasses, but no one calls the other ones mouthglasses
I wonder if baby goats hate being called "kiddo."
January 11, 2025 at 3:07 PM
I wonder if baby goats hate being called "kiddo."
Cats:
Rubber band: kill kill kill!
Straw: die Mother f#&%er!
Small rock: attack attack!
Actual bug crawling on the floor: Dude, I like to live and let live.
Rubber band: kill kill kill!
Straw: die Mother f#&%er!
Small rock: attack attack!
Actual bug crawling on the floor: Dude, I like to live and let live.
January 11, 2025 at 3:06 PM
Cats:
Rubber band: kill kill kill!
Straw: die Mother f#&%er!
Small rock: attack attack!
Actual bug crawling on the floor: Dude, I like to live and let live.
Rubber band: kill kill kill!
Straw: die Mother f#&%er!
Small rock: attack attack!
Actual bug crawling on the floor: Dude, I like to live and let live.
Post somebody you’ve been told you look like who you definitely don’t look like:
(Also try to make it a super sly humblebrag)
(Also try to make it a super sly humblebrag)
December 5, 2024 at 1:10 PM
Post somebody you’ve been told you look like who you definitely don’t look like:
(Also try to make it a super sly humblebrag)
(Also try to make it a super sly humblebrag)
I had that anxiety dream where I had a final after not going to class the whole semester, but then I took the test and got every question right! Go dream me!
November 23, 2024 at 2:47 PM
I had that anxiety dream where I had a final after not going to class the whole semester, but then I took the test and got every question right! Go dream me!
My sleep and my Spotify algorithm are ruined, but I'm happy. Is this what being in a relationship is like?
November 15, 2024 at 4:41 PM
My sleep and my Spotify algorithm are ruined, but I'm happy. Is this what being in a relationship is like?
Reskeet with a pic and your age.
47 and I got a zit!
47 and I got a zit!
August 7, 2023 at 8:11 PM
Reskeet with a pic and your age.
47 and I got a zit!
47 and I got a zit!
Fixed the lyrics to Once in a lifetime for me:
July 6, 2023 at 8:42 PM
Fixed the lyrics to Once in a lifetime for me:
I love Radiohead, but sometimes I completely forget about "The Bends."
June 25, 2023 at 2:27 AM
I love Radiohead, but sometimes I completely forget about "The Bends."
"I can't believe you brought a STRANGER into our home!"
My cat
My cat
June 23, 2023 at 8:28 PM
"I can't believe you brought a STRANGER into our home!"
My cat
My cat
People who don't want us to work from home want our cats to be lonely.
June 21, 2023 at 4:39 PM
People who don't want us to work from home want our cats to be lonely.
I just used find and replace to delete 23 pairs of brackets. This is the highlight of my career.
June 21, 2023 at 1:54 PM
I just used find and replace to delete 23 pairs of brackets. This is the highlight of my career.
Me skimming the news:
Maybe this next listicle will be the one that changes EVERYTHING
Maybe this next listicle will be the one that changes EVERYTHING
June 19, 2023 at 8:00 PM
Me skimming the news:
Maybe this next listicle will be the one that changes EVERYTHING
Maybe this next listicle will be the one that changes EVERYTHING
I'm a good dad to my cats
June 19, 2023 at 12:05 AM
I'm a good dad to my cats