i'm not even in a bad mood i've just been feeling this loneliness more and more strongly lately and i'm frankly kinda over it lmao!!!

god to even try and diffuse it with colloquialisms sounds so fucking desperate. to live in the eyes of others is the cruelest ordeal.

tl;dr: i feel like a fraud and the terrifying ordeal of being known makes me feel worse don't even know who i am anymore i'm gettin too much money

and fuck man this sounds so pithy and edgelord-y but honestly having a sense of self on top of self esteem issues fucking sucks man. i wish i didn't feel like i had to hide myself from people all the time. but i do. and that's how it is on this bitch of an earth.

and that fear is difficult to assuage, either. every time i hear it i immediately think of it as lip service. you're simply saying that because you don't know what things i may have to say. you don't know what's behind the mask. shit, even i don't really know what's behind it.

i joke about having to Do A Dance for people so they like me but it's really not a joke. I constantly feel like if I'm not performing for others or holding my tongue then I will reveal myself to be unlikeable and therefore not worthy of the company i keep.

'Do I belong here?' 'Am I really welcome in this group of people?'
so often i feel like i'm the odd man out and it really fucking sucks man lmao. i'm often feeling like "haha. wish i knew what that felt like." just so i can act like i fit in.

ah well.

I think Marcus Palladino being exposed to the reality of just how fucking touch starved he is is so juicy man. The inherent, unsubtle horniness of being able to be so close to someone you're fond of

Thinking about jonghyun just asking Marcus to Touch....run his hands over his thighs, his hips. Pull him closer, if that's what he wants....just letting Marcus explore until he gets cold feet...getting Marcus used to the power of contact alone...

Imagining jonghyun slowly unbuttoning them, staring at Marcus the whole time to make sure he's still got permission to do so....thinking about jonghyun's hands sliding up to Marcus's chest while he buried his face in the crook of his neck....

Just. Real Heterosexual Guy Hours....guys being dudes...

Also drew this on my phone.
I like the rabbit.

all i can even think to do about it is sit and cry and apologize for being the way i am. for being a coward. for being disingenuous. for being needy. for so many things....

i don't know man. i'm just talking atp.

i feel so pathetic and small so often. i feel so upsettingly needy. so annoyingly useless. i can't ever let myself get close to anyone, not really. i'm so fucking embarrassing and yet incredibly fucking boring at the same time. i have no personality and yet every one of my traits is negative.

that, or i immediately start othering myself. 'i'm the only trans/black person in the room, they won't get it'. 'i don't feel as strongly about things as they do, i'm clearly the freak here'. 'i don't have this same hobby/skill as everyone else, no one will understand'.

i try to find connection in others and i immediately force myself to hold everyone at arm's length because "I know they'll be gone eventually anyway", or "If they saw how sad/angry/terrible i really am, they'd hate me"

and i know that's wrong. i KNOW that's wrong. demonstrably so.
but it's the sort of....lonely in a crowded room type of alone. the type of loneliness that's self inflicted.
that's why i wish i wasn't me. wish i didn't have to deal with my own brain.

this isn't to say that i would trade the way i feel about myself with anyone, i just wish i were someone that didn't constantly feel like he was
always.
fucking.
alone.

I am both this little dog and this sad rabbit and I don't like it!!!!!!