I love advent calendars. I love Happy Meal toys. I love Kinder eggs. I love Christmas Crackers. I guess what I'm admitting here is that if you want to excite me give me a piece of shit plastic or shitty choc in a **SURPRISE** and I am yours. I am won over. I am bowled over. I am mildly disappointed. …

In the olden days (anything longer than 5 years ago, but which 5 years? This could be a much longer tangent but basically, time is an illusion and everything was either "the other day", "5 years ago (but resolutely NOT 2020), or "in the past") I always thought of Coke (Coca-Cola) as being 50p and figuring out the cost of foreign money from that.

We're nearing the time of the clocks going back one hour in the UK and it is giving me my biannual opportunity to say, "why don't we just put them back/forward1 by half an hour and LEAVE IT THAT WAY FOREVER?" Did you know that for a few years in the 1960s the UK did not do the back/forward clock change thing?

“I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different” -Kurt Vonnegut Life is hard. It's cold, and bleak, and then you're dead. But also - it's fun and full of trees, and friends, and laughter, and the dappled sunlight through branches on a summer's day. It's full of depression and it's full of ice cold drinks and warm cocoa.

The Commercialisation of Christmas Autumn I blame Starbucks. No, I blame the Americans. Hmmm, I suppose they made Starbucks so maybe I blame Starbucks. I blame Starbucks and Instagram and social media and white women and capitalism. Babes, it's always capitalism. I agree that we all need to squeeze whatever pleasure we can out of the world and if you want a pumpkin spice latte and an aesthetic pic to post on IG with a browning leaf in the background then who am I to stop you?

It's the last bank holiday of the Summer and the weather is slowly turning autumnal. The leaves are falling off the trees and the air is getting a bit crispy and clear. Also, since it's August, it means it's the Notting Hill Carnival. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a curmudgeon about all sorts of things so don't think that I'm singling Carnival out for any sort of ideological reasons.

eggs, eggs, eggs We give a lot of love to potatoes, and rightly so. Potatoes are great. Elite. Mashed, boiled, roasted, fried... and so many ways to fry them too for a different experience each time but I wanna talk about eggs. Let's talk about eggs, baby. A number of people have told me that they "HATE" eggs. Like, how fucking dare you!?

I went for an eye test the other day and, in a rare positive of ageing, my eyesight is improving. This means I need a new prescription. A weaker prescription. Weird, huh? Well, things can only get better and then they'll get worse. I've been wearing glasses since I was 11 years old. So only 5 or 6 years 32 years.

Through the escutcheon I was supposed to really sort my bedroom out this weekend. Reader, I did not. My flatmate sorted his out and bragged to me about it. My flatmate is a tosser. I did learn that the metal bit surrounding a keyhole is called an escutcheon so who's the real winner here? That's right, me. I also learned that whoever fitted the keyhole, lock, and escutcheon on my flat door was a lunatic since they made the hole far too big for the…

Basically I thought of the title of this first... so we'll see how this goes. It really annoys me that people use the word 'staycation'. It extra annoys me that they use the word 'staycation' when they are talking about taking a holiday in their home country. It is my view that a 'staycation' is when you take annual leave and stay at home.

I used to read so much. I used to lie in bed on Saturdays and read and read and read, only getting up to go to the loo and grab a quick snack just to go back to bed and continue reading. I used to walk down the street, nose in a book, glancing up to make sure I wasn't walking into a ditch.

I have foot pain. I decided that I was going to buy some comfy-soled trainers (sneakers) like an old lady might buy but not Skechers. I have seen too many videos of podiatrists saying that they are…

I have foot pain. I decided that I was going to buy some comfy-soled trainers (sneakers) like an old lady might buy but not Skechers. I have seen too many videos of podiatrists saying that they are SO BAD and the WORST thing for your feet. Also, I don't like them. I may be 43 ok 36 OK 43 but I like a…

"There was something in the air that night... can you hear the drums Fernando? There was something in the air that night... can you hear the drums Fernando? Chiquitita you and I know... There was something in the air that night..." I'm being driven insane. I used to have the radio on all night and wake up with snippets of songs stuck in my mind until some mystery would allow me some respite.

I used to live alone so ate a lot of 'girl dinner'. For those not perpetually online this means snicky-snacky things that require little prepping. In my case I had Roast Beef flavoured Monster Munch and M&S Chicken Wings. And sweeties for dessert. I would often think, 'hey, I need to eat actual healthy meals' and do some food prepping and take a healthy lunch of leftovers to work.

I am sick of overconsumption. Not only because of the planet's inevitable death under a pile of plastic but because it's just bullshit. This all started winding me up with those Stanley Cups. I first heard about them and thought, 'surely people aren't going crazy over a Canadian Ice Hockey tournament.' And I was right. People were going crazy over REUSABLE (please note the 'reusable') cups.

For the last 2 mornings I have woken up at 04:30*. In the morning.Prior to this, I had been waking up at 05:30. In the morning. THE MORNING. I know it's Summer but where will this end? Next week 03:30? Then just not sleeping at all!? I AM EXHAUSTED. And yes, I know, the heat, I need blackout blinds, I need sleeping pills.

I've become a plumber. I haven't retrained or anything but just call me Mario. My washing machine was being a bitch and I fixed it. And I only googled it twice. In my adult life I have become very aware that I am a practical person and I could be really proud of that but I am not. All this proves to me is, gurl I'm poor.

Because of this damn heat I've been having salad for dinner A LOT. So, a recipe: Ensalada Rusa (Russian Salad) Potatoes (boiled. Preferably new potatoes or salad potatoes but really any good potatoes) Eggs (hard boiled) Tinned tuna (in an ideal world I'd use in oil - drained, but I've been buying in spring water because calories but is this really any way to live?)

Sit down. Listen to me. Listen. To me.You know pigeons? You've know them, you definitely do. I know what you're thinking and you're wrong. They're good. You're thinking "feral" and "ugh flying rats". You're thinking "filthy vermin". Well, shut up. Listen to me. They're nice. It's all our fault (as per) and they deserve to be treated better. For five thousand (5,000) years pigeons were our friends.

I've been thinking a lot about self-improvement. It's an ongoing battle to become the self-actualised version of myself I wish to be. I know that all I really need is £1,000,000,000 but I refuse to associate with billionaires since they're all evil... anyway, I digress. There's this TikTok video (quelle fucking surprise) and I keep thinking that the line, "Do it lady" is just great advice.

Did you hear that Oasis have reunited (and it feels so good)? I'll bet you have because from the announcement to the ticket sales fiasco to the opening shows that is all I know about the current music scene. Oasis have reformed and they're on tour and middle-aged men are sticking on their bucket hats and sticking drugs up their noses (allegedly) and being Mad Fer It and re-living the 90s.

Bruce Castle Park, N17 We have just been struggling with the harsh Summer sun. We've heard it all before. Every year we hear from holidaying Americans saying on social media, "oh man, the Brits were right. The heat is hotter over here and I'm from FLORIDA.' So, I now own three (3) air coolers - one (1) is broken. It broke during the 'Vicky is homeless' tour of 2024.

Life is really hard, isn't it? I am so often annoyed and annoying. Know why? Because I am a person and people are too much. Therefore I am too much and so are you. OK, so we agree life is hard and people are the worst but we are here one time (that we know of) so I don't want to make it any harder, if at all possible.

Listen, listen, listen, hear me out, shh, wait, I know, I know, I agree but shh, hush, wait, HOLD UP. I do not like AI. I do not like that AI is being put into, onto, and around everything. What is the point? Why do we need smart fridges which are connected to the internet? And then you're going to put an AI in it? What for? I am sick of everything being an app. But...