Hearing rumors that scientists have discovered the first white person with dreads that doesn’t make you make “that face.”

Even geese hate ICE.

Finally bought a toupee for my ugly, ugly baby.

Pockets are a little light this month.

I spend a lot of time thinking about blowing my brains out, but sometimes I’ll be staring out the window with a cat on my lap and the heat on and I remember that I shouldn’t do it in my apartment.

Got my adult braces removed today.

I worry that by heaping praise onto someone who MURDERED the CEO of a multinational health insurance company, it could result in copycat killers that simply cannot compete in the looks department.

Father of 2 beautiful children, 3 total.

Pretty crazy that Blade, a Marvel Comics antihero, has a sword, a type of weapon.