Aww. So glad we could bring families together through creepy fiction.

And we should note that if you're thinking of sending a Santa Claus story, the bar there is ridiculously high.

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We would be delighted to facilitate all that "ugh, really?" Jonathan Wood fan reading. Get it now before he cracks those elusive literary markets and gives up on making poop jokes.

Oh, wait. Is there a line here? Lemme get that blunt stick I've got lying around. Here is that thing . . .

Always keep raising the bar, sir. We'll get there.

Always the best solution to an ailing tummy.

I’ll show up for this!

It was our introduction to you, and we were (and still are!) delighted to have been granted the opportunity to publish it.