Trace Mitchell
@tracethelaw.bsky.social
Congressional Attorney. Formerly with Senator Rand Paul, Institute for Justice, NetChoice, and Mercatus. Policy, Public-Interest Litigation, Puns. Opinions are bad, but my own.
I’ve never liked a speed bump very much.
But I’m getting over it slowly.
But I’m getting over it slowly.
February 6, 2026 at 2:40 PM
I’ve never liked a speed bump very much.
But I’m getting over it slowly.
But I’m getting over it slowly.
Someone asked me if I support euthanasia.
Of course I do.
I support euthanasia, euthanamerica, euthaneurope, and euthantherestoftheworld.
I believe the euth are the future.
Of course I do.
I support euthanasia, euthanamerica, euthaneurope, and euthantherestoftheworld.
I believe the euth are the future.
February 3, 2026 at 12:55 PM
Someone asked me if I support euthanasia.
Of course I do.
I support euthanasia, euthanamerica, euthaneurope, and euthantherestoftheworld.
I believe the euth are the future.
Of course I do.
I support euthanasia, euthanamerica, euthaneurope, and euthantherestoftheworld.
I believe the euth are the future.
Who is this Rorschach guy?
And why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
And why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
February 2, 2026 at 2:28 PM
Who is this Rorschach guy?
And why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
And why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
I’m so irritated with my neighbor who keeps playing Lionel Richie songs at full blast. Normally, I wouldn’t mind.
But it was All Night Long.
But it was All Night Long.
January 28, 2026 at 5:52 PM
I’m so irritated with my neighbor who keeps playing Lionel Richie songs at full blast. Normally, I wouldn’t mind.
But it was All Night Long.
But it was All Night Long.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
January 27, 2026 at 1:48 PM
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.
I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.
January 25, 2026 at 3:50 PM
What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.
I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.
I read the other day that people eat more bananas than monkeys.
I’m not really surprised, I can’t even remember the last time I ate a monkey.
I’m not really surprised, I can’t even remember the last time I ate a monkey.
January 22, 2026 at 4:32 PM
I read the other day that people eat more bananas than monkeys.
I’m not really surprised, I can’t even remember the last time I ate a monkey.
I’m not really surprised, I can’t even remember the last time I ate a monkey.
I have a pencil that previously belonged to Shakespeare, but he chewed on it a lot.
I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.
I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.
January 20, 2026 at 3:27 PM
I have a pencil that previously belonged to Shakespeare, but he chewed on it a lot.
I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.
I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.
Welcome to The Shouting Hotline.
We’re currently experiencing very high call volumes.
We’re currently experiencing very high call volumes.
January 18, 2026 at 1:33 PM
Welcome to The Shouting Hotline.
We’re currently experiencing very high call volumes.
We’re currently experiencing very high call volumes.
I bought this coconut shampoo the other day, but now I feel like an idiot.
I don’t even have a coconut.
I don’t even have a coconut.
January 15, 2026 at 6:10 PM
I bought this coconut shampoo the other day, but now I feel like an idiot.
I don’t even have a coconut.
I don’t even have a coconut.
Why is it so hard to take a good photo of a wheat field?
The image is always grainy.
The image is always grainy.
January 12, 2026 at 3:25 PM
Why is it so hard to take a good photo of a wheat field?
The image is always grainy.
The image is always grainy.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, I keep singing the bare naked ladies.
Priest: How long has it been since your last confession.
Me: It’s been....
Priest: How long has it been since your last confession.
Me: It’s been....
January 9, 2026 at 1:49 PM
Forgive me father for I have sinned, I keep singing the bare naked ladies.
Priest: How long has it been since your last confession.
Me: It’s been....
Priest: How long has it been since your last confession.
Me: It’s been....
My friend asked me how long I was going to stand in line waiting for Eminem tickets.
I said, “Till I collapse”
I said, “Till I collapse”
January 3, 2026 at 4:18 PM
My friend asked me how long I was going to stand in line waiting for Eminem tickets.
I said, “Till I collapse”
I said, “Till I collapse”
I don’t think women should be allowed to have kids after 40.
40 kids is way too many by any standard.
40 kids is way too many by any standard.
January 2, 2026 at 7:35 PM
I don’t think women should be allowed to have kids after 40.
40 kids is way too many by any standard.
40 kids is way too many by any standard.
I prefer my milk churned.
It’s butter that way.
It’s butter that way.
December 30, 2025 at 5:32 PM
I prefer my milk churned.
It’s butter that way.
It’s butter that way.
Why did Santa’s least productive helper go to the therapist?
He had low elf-esteem.
He had low elf-esteem.
December 25, 2025 at 5:52 PM
Why did Santa’s least productive helper go to the therapist?
He had low elf-esteem.
He had low elf-esteem.
I quit my job as a mailman on my first day when they handed me a letter to deliver.
I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”
I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”
December 22, 2025 at 7:10 PM
I quit my job as a mailman on my first day when they handed me a letter to deliver.
I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”
I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”
Why did I become an editor?
Well, to make a long story short...
Well, to make a long story short...
December 21, 2025 at 6:38 PM
Why did I become an editor?
Well, to make a long story short...
Well, to make a long story short...
I can’t stand calculus jokes.
They’re all too derivative.
They’re all too derivative.
December 19, 2025 at 7:06 PM
I can’t stand calculus jokes.
They’re all too derivative.
They’re all too derivative.
When measuring the circumference of a pie, one pie is simply not enough.
2πr.
2πr.
December 9, 2025 at 3:37 PM
When measuring the circumference of a pie, one pie is simply not enough.
2πr.
2πr.
What are the pros and cons of wearing two watches?
Well, on the one hand, you have a watch.
And on the other hand...
Well, on the one hand, you have a watch.
And on the other hand...
December 8, 2025 at 7:14 PM
What are the pros and cons of wearing two watches?
Well, on the one hand, you have a watch.
And on the other hand...
Well, on the one hand, you have a watch.
And on the other hand...
My professor asked me if I was ignorant or just apathetic.
I told him I don’t know and I don’t care.
I told him I don’t know and I don’t care.
December 6, 2025 at 5:47 PM
My professor asked me if I was ignorant or just apathetic.
I told him I don’t know and I don’t care.
I told him I don’t know and I don’t care.
Why can’t you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because it’s non-stick.
Because it’s non-stick.
December 4, 2025 at 1:58 PM
Why can’t you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because it’s non-stick.
Because it’s non-stick.
I made a chicken salad today.
The ungrateful jerk didn’t even eat it.
The ungrateful jerk didn’t even eat it.
December 3, 2025 at 3:01 PM
I made a chicken salad today.
The ungrateful jerk didn’t even eat it.
The ungrateful jerk didn’t even eat it.
I really want to learn how to juggle.
I just don’t have the balls to do it.
I just don’t have the balls to do it.
December 1, 2025 at 3:23 PM
I really want to learn how to juggle.
I just don’t have the balls to do it.
I just don’t have the balls to do it.