No fucking accountability. None of them deserve to be able to live it down, but sadly I don’t see a future where these monsters are prosecuted.

See, I knew I liked you… 😘

Now let me stop before I get more upset…

Like yes, I know they had contractual obligations with The Rings of Power situation (which I also really enjoyed!), etc. but COME ON. People who were sci-fi/fantasy fans and watched TWOT cold turkey (me) could tell it was literally epic in its scope, and the cast and crew put their back into it.

I never read the books so I didn’t have the same kind of grappling with that whole “faithful-to-the-source-material” thing a lot of people did.

That said, I don’t know if I will ever get over The Wheel
Of Time being canceled.

So I retreat further and further in the distance on a proverbial ice floe, and of course I’m left with myself and my thoughts to deal with all of this alone.

Even though none of them really interact with me on this platform: thanks, friends, for showing me another, newer flavor of abandonment.

Part of this has to do with the above, but part of it also relies on most of them being unable to operate in any way other than the transactional. And since I have nothing discernible to “offer” them anymore, I’m just left on the shelf collecting dust while life happens all around me.

That green one is cute 🩲

It’s all so exhausting. And I have to wake up for another day of… the same. So I’m probably going to cry some more and go to bed now.

I don’t get to blunt the intensity of my sadness or shame by feeling wanted as poor compensation; I’m not conventionally attractive and or desirable that. I am invisible to those I want and desire, and pitied by those who bother to glance my way long enough to make out the shape of a person.

I can’t afford it, so I don’t get to go to therapy. I get pills that don’t really work well, and have side effects. I don’t get financial breathing room, because I don’t deserve to make enough money to pay off debt, save, or avoid precarious existence.

All I am allowed is the internal rage and external tears when I can’t hold it in anymore. I don’t get to express myself, because nobody cares to be bothered or concerned. I don’t get to be angry. I get to swallow it down, and to cry alone without telling anyone.

Do you know what it’s like to have to move through the world knowing that your life doesn’t actually matter that much to them, or to your siblings? To your friends? To your community? How is one supposed to survive like that? To face an entire society which implies that you’re not deserving of love?

I’m never going to get an apology of any sort, will never experience reconciliation with them. Do you know what it’s like to wake up every day having spent a lifetime being told that “parents unconditionally love their children,” knowing in your bones that it isn’t true for you?

Hell yes, I love this track 🤌

Gotta bring back this bad boy