Tom Swanston
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tomswanston.bsky.social
Tom Swanston
@tomswanston.bsky.social
57 followers 12 following 410 posts
Filmmaker, artist, executive coach, joke writer
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tomswanston.bsky.social
I quite my new job at the bakery. Only made one granary bap.

It wasn’t the right roll for me.

#LunchPun
December 11, 2025 at 12:13 PM
tomswanston.bsky.social
My hot air balloon business was a complete failure.

Didn’t even get off the ground.

#LunchPun
December 11, 2025 at 12:12 PM
tomswanston.bsky.social
I fired my optician.

I bet he didn't see that coming!

#LunchPun
December 9, 2025 at 12:07 PM
tomswanston.bsky.social
A skeleton started a fight with me, but he didn't have the guts to finish it.

#LunchPun
December 9, 2025 at 12:06 PM
tomswanston.bsky.social
All devices now have AI. Even my blender!

It keeps sending me mixed messages.

#LunchPun
December 8, 2025 at 12:02 PM
tomswanston.bsky.social
'Rock Around the Clock' is my favourite song of all time.

#LunchPun
December 8, 2025 at 12:02 PM
tomswanston.bsky.social
Take care of the pennies and the pounds will take care of themselves, to coin a phrase.

#LunchPun
December 3, 2025 at 12:06 PM
tomswanston.bsky.social
I can't seem to find my way out of this hospital, so I've had to retire on medical grounds.

#LunchPun
December 3, 2025 at 12:06 PM
tomswanston.bsky.social
My house robot put a boxing glove in my suitcase.

It packs quite a punch.

#LunchPun
December 1, 2025 at 12:16 PM
tomswanston.bsky.social
After the lobotomy, I lost my piece of mind.

#LunchPun
December 1, 2025 at 12:15 PM
tomswanston.bsky.social
I'm always taking steps to avoid elevators.

#LunchPun
November 25, 2025 at 12:13 PM
tomswanston.bsky.social
People say "follow your dreams".

That's why I'm going back to bed.

#LunchPun
November 25, 2025 at 12:12 PM
tomswanston.bsky.social
I once dated an amazing baker.

Inevitably things went stale.

#LunchPun
November 24, 2025 at 12:02 PM
tomswanston.bsky.social
I tried to write a joke about paper, but it was tearable.

#LunchPun
November 24, 2025 at 12:02 PM
tomswanston.bsky.social
My new thesaurus is terrible!

Not only that, it’s also terrible.

#LunchPun
November 21, 2025 at 12:02 PM
tomswanston.bsky.social
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I’ll let you know which comes first.

#LunchPun
November 21, 2025 at 12:02 PM
tomswanston.bsky.social
My friend said he didn’t understand cloning.

I told him, “That makes two of us.”

#LunchPun
November 20, 2025 at 12:05 PM
tomswanston.bsky.social
I’m on a whiskey diet.

I’ve lost three days already!

#LunchPun
November 20, 2025 at 12:03 PM
tomswanston.bsky.social
I started working as a human cannonball.

I got fired.

#LunchPun
November 20, 2025 at 12:02 PM
tomswanston.bsky.social
I asked the waiter if my burger would be long.

He said, “You're thinking of a hotdog."

#LunchPun
November 20, 2025 at 12:02 PM
tomswanston.bsky.social
I've just published a book on reverse psychology.

Please don't buy it.

#LunchPun
November 20, 2025 at 12:01 PM
tomswanston.bsky.social
I'm not sure calendars will continue.

Their days are numbered.

#LunchPun
November 17, 2025 at 12:09 PM
tomswanston.bsky.social
I used to work in a shoe recycling warehouse.

It was sole-destroying.

#LunchPun
November 17, 2025 at 12:09 PM
tomswanston.bsky.social
A beautiful woman offered me whatever I wanted if I could make an anagram of dyslexia.

I opted for sex daily.

#LunchPun
October 24, 2025 at 11:10 AM
tomswanston.bsky.social
I'm searching for the meaning of zero and I will stop at nothing to find it!

#LunchPun
October 24, 2025 at 11:09 AM