After a 12 hour session, we finished with a heartfelt epilogue and a teary-eyed goodbye to our party.

It was such an emotional roller coaster from beginning to end, and I’m so emotionally and mentally exhausted… and so excited to continue prepping for campaign 2!

Aaaand no wonder it was so far under budget, the space was inaccurate and while it was in a great area, the placement next to a main/busy road was terrible… the search continues.

And my grieving tonight is eating Ben and Jerry’s half baked watching Fantasy High in my comfy robe.

I know we all process and grieve in our own way… I’m just having a hard time and needed to vent.

But what makes it worse is that my now ex, is living his best life traveling and exploring this new country. And I’m here, alone, depressed, crying and miserable.

I think that was part of the problem, it felt like I was carrying the emotional weight of our relationship on my own — it was too much.

Person — I bring the energy, I make people smile and I love being that person for others.

But all I want to do is just law in bed and cry. That’s it. I can barely function. It’s like something is broken in my brain and I feel stuck in place…

And maybe this is petty…

But like, I can’t just say “sorry boss, I’m depressed and crying every night because I broke up with my partner and am going through some terrible heartbreak and it’s being ruining my self-esteem and day-to-day experience.”

Everyone knows and excepts me to be this happy, cheery, supportive,

Today at work, the director of our department stopped by my desk and asked me if I was okay, just checking on me on his way to a meeting.

I try so hard not to let my personal life affect my work, but I know my mood and emotions bleed into others and can be palpable. I really appreciate him asking,

We haven’t spoken to each other in nearly a week… not for lack of trying. I’ve reach out, but I know he needs space to process, so I’m giving him that space.

I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m just all around miserable. It’s bleeding into all other aspects of my life and I feel so insecure and self conscious.

I’m depressed. I’m heartbroken. I’m miserable. Even before we broke up, I was crying myself to sleep over the loneliness and weight of it all and now I get home from work and just lay down and cry. I know it will get easier, but I miss him so fucking much.

So after a heartfelt conversation, and many tears, I broke up with him.

And you know what fucking sucks? I love him, I miss him, I want nothing more than to have him here with me — or to be there with him.

I know he loves me, and it’s impossible to elaborate on all the nuances, but this sucks.

I wrestled with this for a month, on what it is I wanted and needed in a partnership, and ultimately realized that I can’t be with someone who I can’t build a future with. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t prioritize our relationship. It feels like he has the mindset of “the grass is greener”…

But the emotional weight was overwhelming — he ultimately didn’t have a plan or timeline to come back. He wanted to keep his options open for new opportunities abroad.

Leaving me in limbo, leaving me feeling like a back up plan. Like I’m his second choice.

And you know I live for a good reveal!

They’re level 15, and this is the end of a major arc.

I want to emotionally destroy them, and traumatize them. They’ve been getting too comfortable…

The monologue is tight, hits hard, and syncs to the music — I gave myself chills when practicing.

The encounter itself… multi-phased boss fight against a CR20 creature, that takes two full turns in initiative order.

After each phase there’s a puzzle — inspired by raid mechanics in Destiny.