I'll certainly try.

so... i had to spell this out for my own sanity and to finish it off - i really must forgive everyone and love them. but really not in the way i thought.
i will really only be able to love them if i withdraw my energy. because all of me is not welcome. and i'm not one to repress, disown, deny. <3

victims of a lot of grudges in my family, and they don't deserve it. like all human beings they have made mistakes but they're good people with big golden hearts and real softies the two of them. they are my elders and i love and respect them so much. -

feel like crap. so i won't anymore. the reason i came at all and the reason i sang at the dinner table was my grandparents. and i know they enjoyed it. grandpa later asked if i was working on new music, to which i replied yes and he was very happy to hear that. my grandparents have also been -

i'm the one who is breaking out of that tradition the very most, and therefore i make people uncomfortable with just the way i am. i have come to realize that this is a good thing. i have also come to realize that there is no reason whatsoever for me to be going to these gatherings if they make me -

actually we're all sensitive people more or less in my family. people got their antennas on high alert and any whiff of weakness can be sniffed from miles away and JUDGED. we don't let the weakness show, we power through and we pretend we're not suffering when we are.

at least i see it clearly now. the dysfunctional soup that i have been marinated in as a child, and i can clearly call it what it is: bullying. it can be all fun and games for some people, but if everyone isn't in on the fun, bullying is what it is.

and took advantage of it for their own amusement. so what i have been reminded of today is that some people are not able to listen, and that i have grown up in a family where almost everyone enjoy covertly bullying eachother as a jargon. i just have to pay it no mind, but it's hard.

, apparently for my sake, which i found really odd and humiliating. being around these people since i was a wee baby has shaped my sense of self in ways i have worked very hard to undo. and being able to sing in front of them is a feat in itself. they sensed my vulnerabilities in the moment -

Love your art! It makes me happy.