*scoffs at crazy conspiracy theorist*

This fool obviously doesn't know about my EVEN CRAZIER conspiracy theory that supersedes theirs. And no I won't share it, if I share it I won't get to look down smugly on other people.

I'm a moderate on the issue of cars, I don't think they should be banned but I do think they should all be this. Now I know what you're thinking: what if I need to go fast or need more space? That's just too bad

Can't imagine being the first person to figure out that humans need to eat iron. "You're saying we need to eat the red looking rocks we make our tools out of?!"

Can't believe humanity chose to be more similar to the chimpanzee than to the orangutan in the character creator screen before world generation had finished smh

I hate job interviews because you basically have to turn yourself into a giant advertisement billboard.

Interviewer: So what kind of hobbies do you have?

Me: NOW ON SALE! 2 EMPLOYEES FOR THE PRICE OF ONE!

and for successfully resisting the urge to eat a little treat, I shall reward myself with a little treat

I think my life story is coming to an end, I've finally found the doohickey I need to get the macguffin.

I love having a life plan because then I get to post to reddit about the success of it in 10 years and get thousands of those silly little pointy-up thingies.

The secret to earning my favour is actually apple crumble.