Hard to remember the good but its there. I miss my nieces, so i'll spoil my nephews. It'll all work out. For now i can just enjoy the rain and watch spooky videos

Tomorrow or thursday is xmas shopping with brandon's other sister for her kids, and we'll have money to actually get gifts. Ophelia is the happiest kitty and getting more cuddly all the time. I watched a movie with my whole family last night

Shoob has been gone for 2 years, my ex's family has been cut out for 2 years, brandon's sister for 1... but the wheel continues to turn.

I honestly prefer the rain at this point and its not too cold to sit outside and enjoy it

Anyway i also havent eaten today so time to move forward with my life

That person didnt deserve the way i treated her. She genuinely scares me. I hope she is becoming a better person but if shes still dating 19 yr olds im not so sure 🫠

Tw: pet death
I try to make a point of using my trauma as art but fuck me oh my is it hard. Bad news that its literally almost 2 years to the day of shoobs death and the day we cut ties from my ex's family and all these feelings are bubbling up. I even saw a pic of shoob i sent my ex and felt sick

Now what do we do with these feelings? Thats right they go in the square hole aka i might go smoke on the balcony and get some coffee and write for a while

I saw old convos with my ex and my husbands ex and other people who fuckin hurt me and my husband and i am fully vibrating out of my skin gooooood loooord 🫠

HI THERE HOW R U

Tw but Ive always been so scared of him leaving me, in our early relationship it was his suicidal tendencies, but now im scared of him just leaving. Its just fear but im glad we talked about it. I love him v much

Hopefully my husband is similarly feeling better. I was gettin pretty antsy with our fighting but ya know, we've fought worse and stuck through it.

Time for coffee and maybe resolving things. Most likely me repressing my self hate more. Also im out of my meds and am on a fucked sleep schedule so lol. Everything will be better eventually. I guess.

I dont even play genshin anymore cuz it was a thing my husband and i did together but he checked out and doesnt really give a fuck anymore and its just.. not worth it to talk about and get almost nothing back. Whats the point of enjoying anything when i cant share that enjoyment with him?

I just want him to love me. And he says he does but i dont believe him cuz i hate myself so why would someone else love me? Im not doing very well. I miss my nieces. I miss feeling important. I dunno. Nothing is okay.