learned the captain of the whale ship Essex was 28 years old and I instantly stopped blaming him for what happened. he should have been at the club. instead he had to Eat Some Guys. and that kinda sucks.

Sweeney Todd’s old neighbor who has like bare minimum facial recognition skills: I don’t know either, honey. But it’s definitely him. He won a shaving contest in the middle of the street today. Like literally else who would it be.

me and who

*meeting a gay couple* so which one of you is the Vladimir and which is the Estragon?

conservatives gotta stop calling the US “orwellian” as a diss when Fahrenheit 451 is right there. if you showed Orwell fox news rn he’d be like “yeah” but if you showed Ray Bradbury an airpod he would probably mail anthrax to his senators.

she crescendo on my rapid switch from forte to pianissimo till i sforzando

film major: yeah so it's a surrealist, pseudo-Beckettian film based on my childhood, inspired by Othello.
his tinder date: ohh haha yeah okay cool.
sniper on a nearby rooftop watching him through the scope: sir, he lost her. he's in too deep.
sergeant: take the shot.

"This is exactly like the underappreciated Chris Nolan masterpiece The Prestige (2006)!" i say, experiencing any situation that is one hundred percent absolutely nothing like The Prestige.

playing adrianne lenker over the college bar's touchtunes to flashbang the bisexuals

(responding to a work email 3 months late)

Susan,

Apologies for the delay in response - I was Skinamarinked without warning in my home and have only just escaped. The merger is still in talks, unfortunately. The Skinamarink did take my eyes, so it'll take longer than usual.

Thanks so much!

12yo me seeing a college student working in public: wow, they look so cool & aesthetic. i bet they're doing really smart things!

20yo college student me working in public: if i write this tweet with an angry expression the barista will think i am a real adult doing emails to my adult boss.

enough of these world crisis epics with amazing scripts. i want Joss Whedon's take on Chernobyl. give us a Unit 731 feature by the minds behind Riverdale.

my friend once texted me that he was gonna get really high and watch Beau Is Afraid and i responded to that message like he'd just told me he was on a ledge about to step off.

i don't think we as a nation think about the implication of Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat enough. is he simply a cat who lives at a train station? the lore seems to imply he works on mail trains. do the Cats have human jobs? do cats send each other mail? why does he tap dance?

gone are the years of quietly waiting for relatives to leave each thanksgiving. this year i'm watchin Oppenheimer in the living room 2.5 hrs post dinner. if you aren't down to give thanks for that sweet sweet 4k IMAX of a fucking atom bomb going off full volume then you can gtfo.

i'm SICK and TWISTED but sick and twisted in the way that a nice fresh babka might present itself to you that would make you joyously exclaim "yo this sweet braided pastry is both sick and twisted"