In 2019 he wrote on Twitter: “Just checked the naughty list. Trump isn’t on it because fuckwits require a separate category”. The post Santa Denied Entry to US After Posting on Social Media That Trump Is a Fuckwit appeared first on The Shovel.

One high-profile inmate at a Melbourne jail has woken up on Christmas morning, only to find that Santa Claus left her plate of cookies suspiciously untouched. Like other good boys and girls across the world, Erin Patterson partook in the Christmas Eve tradition of leaving snacks for Santa Claus outside her cell at the Dame […] The post Santa Avoids Plate of Cookies Left Out by Erin Patterson appeared first on The Shovel.

In a difficult but ultimately necessary family conversation, parents across England have begun sitting their children down to explain that, despite what they may have heard on television and social media, Bazball is actually just a figment of the imagination. The post English Parents Decide It’s Time To Tell Their Kids That Bazball Isn’t Real appeared first on The Shovel.

John Howard has moved to calm a tense and fractured nation, reassuring Australians that while the current levels of social, cultural and political division may feel unprecedented, he remains available to significantly worsen them at short notice. The post Howard Reassures Australians That No Matter How Divided We Feel in This Moment, He Can Always Divide Us More appeared first on The Shovel.

The holy Saint Mary has been criticised by the US Department of Health & Human Services for putting the birth of Christ at risk by taking Tylenol during her pregnancy. Mary, age usually omitted, was on the road to Bethlehem for a government census when she first treated her fever symptoms with the popular painkiller. […] The post Virgin Mary Condemned for Taking Tylenol During Pregnancy appeared first on The Shovel.

A relaxing golf getaway in Noosa has been “completely derailed” by the sudden and unexpected requirement to play cricket. The post Golf Trip Rudely Interrupted by Cricket Match appeared first on The Shovel.

All Australian teenagers have been informed by US officials that they are barred from entering America until they are able to produce five years’ worth of social media history. A recent update in visa requirements demands that travellers into the States provide their social media details and a history of posts and likes. The change […] The post All Aussie Teens Denied Entry Into US After Being Unable To Provide 5 Years of Social Media History appeared first on The Shovel.

In a statement today, the White House said it wanted a typeface that more closely aligned with the decorum, direction and values of the Trump Administration. The post White House Confirms All Future Communications To Be in Comic Sans appeared first on The Shovel.

“Millions of Aussie teens are going to wake up each morning without an unintentional briefing on the bombing of Yemen" The post Fears Social Media Ban Could Stop Aussie Teens Receiving Updates From Pete Hegseth on Classified US Military Operations appeared first on The Shovel.

“Well… we found ways to keep busy" The post Kid With 38 Aunts and Uncles Asks Grandparents How They Used To Spend Their Time Before Social Media appeared first on The Shovel.

"Bruce Lehrmann court proceedings act a bit like an Advent calendar. Except instead of chocolate, every window reveals another court to appeal to”. The post Reminder: Only 8 More Bruce Lehrmann Court Cases Before Christmas appeared first on The Shovel.

Popular procrastination app TikTok almost crashed today, after its servers were inundated by a mass of new users who all happened to be born on the 1st of January, 1901. Genealogists are baffled as to how the massive spike in births 100-plus years ago went completely undocumented. “What’s curious is why all these 124-year-olds decided […] The post TikTok Flooded by New Users All Born on 01/01/1901 appeared first on The Shovel.

Analysts say Qantas shares jumped the moment Wells typed “New York fli –” into a government laptop. The post Qantas Upgrades Earnings Forecast, After Anika Wells Announces Plans for “Work Trip” appeared first on The Shovel.

Malcolm Roberts – who believes the Government is trying to control him through the use of grammar – has retained first spot. The post Pauline Hanson Falls to Third Place On List of Most Ridiculous One Nation Politicians appeared first on The Shovel.

Desperate for one last political gotcha before the year ends, Sussan Ley has been locked in her office since the release of Spotify Wrapped, frantically searching for a way to link one of Albo’s top artists to Nazism. Presumed missing since Wednesday, the Leader of the Opposition to Band T-Shirts has been seen for the […] The post Sussan Ley Still Trying To Find Bands With Nazi Associations in Albo’s Spotify Wrapped appeared first on The Shovel.

"Both Dutton and England have a special ability to take an unassailable lead and turn it into a humiliating defeat" The post Dutton Hoping England Surpasses His Record for Worst Defeat in Brisbane This Year appeared first on The Shovel.

"We definitely do not condone drugs. Now if you’ll excuse us, we have to go rehearse with a dragon who plays the bagpipes" The post Guys Who Spent Last 34 Years Talking to a Dinosaur and Singing About Spaghetti, Definitely Not Associated With Drugs appeared first on The Shovel.

"All we found were some talking points from 1996 and a half-finished strategy labelled ‘How to Blame Immigrants For Everything’" The post Liberal Party Completes Post-Election Soul-Searching Exercise: “No Soul Found” appeared first on The Shovel.

Thanks to a joint effort between the FBI and North Pole, this year Santa’s annual list of boys and girls who were naughty and nice will also include a list of people who visited Epstein’s Island. As the festive season kicks off, Father Christmas has given one gift early, noting that “a copy of Epstein’s […] The post Santa Releases Naughty, Nice, and Epstein List appeared first on The Shovel.

“I know you love Europe, but I hear outer suburban Brisbane is a particularly important - sorry - romantic spot babe,” he called out to Jodie, while typing ‘Bridgeman Downs' into booking.com. The post Albo Compiles List of Romantic Honeymoon Destinations (in Electorates on a Margin of Less Than 5%) appeared first on The Shovel.

The nation was plucked from a flock of other oppressive states, including North Korea, Russia and Saudi Arabia, who Trump has pardoned in previous ceremonies. The post Trump Pardons Turkey At Traditional Thanksgiving Ceremony appeared first on The Shovel.

We're raising our prices by 10% The post Fuck Black Friday appeared first on The Shovel.

As part of a timeless American tradition, a Thanksgiving turkey has received a pardon from the US President this week, following an unrelated $100 million bribe it made to one of Trump’s businesses. In a pre-Thanksgiving ceremony to kick off the festive spirit, it’s become customary for the President to pardon a literal turkey. This […] The post Thanksgiving Turkey Pardoned After Making $100 Mil Bribe to Donald Trump appeared first on The Shovel.

“We used to risk our lives firebombing smoke shops. Now we get paid triple what we used to to make a button that says ‘Radar’" The post Crime Gangs Pivot From Importing Cigarettes to Designing BOM Websites: “It’s Crazy Money” appeared first on The Shovel.

Opposition Leader Pauline Hanson says Pauline Hanson has crossed a line by arriving in Parliament today wearing a burqa featuring a Joy Division "Unknown Pleasures" screen print. The post Sussan Ley Says Hanson Has Finally Gone Too Far After One Nation Senator Wears Joy Division Burqa to Parliament appeared first on The Shovel.