Feels like you can do no right, no matter what you pick there's advantages to doing it the other way. It would feel like normal people could accept that, why not I? I hate it when I get emotional like this, can't let the poisoned drink be. Self hate seeping into every aspect, every choice, all I am.

Bit off from the rest, but is it just me who feels like nothing is ever what you want. You just find yourself where you thought you wanted to do something one way, so you do that, then you're suddenly enraged with yourself you didn't do it the other way, and it doesn't stop no matter how many times.

And it wouldn't be so bad if there was someone who cares about me and is able to take me through that, but plainly that feels impossible. I never feel like I have someone to go to. I sometimes just feel like I can't describe how alone I am, how unsafe it feels to talk about it to anyone I do know.

... politics that shouldn't be politics. This madness that keeps going strong day after day. I don't want to keep all this information straight and dig into everything for hours. It makes me want to give up and do the stuff mentioned earlier, but I know that's what they want.

I don't want to say things that are false, but with so much false information out there and fear tactics to try to manipulate you, who knows? I'm weak af at debate so I have no clue how to get good evidence when the "fake news" card gets pulled. I don't want to need to put this much into ...

Back again to continue this rant, and I feel like it's so hard to tell how to make sure something is true. I want to speak out and inform on the evil I see, but all I can really do is parrot what I've learned. My homeschool education didn't do me shit for much good at teaching me how to find truth.

Now I'd never do it, but the thoughts demand my attention sometimes. How would I go missing without the folks I know getting the closure that I actually died. And then I think of the crisis lines, but really I'm never at risk of actually doing it and I sure as hell don't need to waste their efforts.

I swear it feels so strongly like if I actually get any help that I'm just someone else's constant problem, so I have to keep to myself. But it's so tempting to want to go find a ditch and die in it so that I'm no longer anyone's problem. There's a few people who would morn, they don't have to know.

I keep thinking to myself that I need someone to pull me out of this shit of a mind I have when I can't shake it myself. What I want is someone so much better than I can offer that I can't help but know if I found someone I wanted that they'd be better off with someone else. Even if they wanted me.

It's just the fking worst wanting community when you feel down and feel like you need to scream, but no one wants that and it's against the rules of most communities. And I get it, I don't want to put up with myself either, but how TF am I just gonna sit with this feeling that I deserve no happiness

I really want to look forwards to better days, but every time I work towards it anxiety paralysis is a bitch. I never feel like I'm good enough to get better and it stops me from trying to which feeds back into me not feeling like I'm worth bettering myself and it's a nasty cycle.

And with the world falling apart and gays potentially losing rights and potentially getting the boot from orange hitler, I don't even know if it's worth it to try to seek out someone to love in the first place. I just constantly wish I wasn't born these days, but I know I have to fight for better.

I genuinely feel so alone in the first place cause I've never had an intimate relationship and am definitely not good enough to get one. Some days I just feel like there's no winning, but I'm too stubborn to do something about it both in trying to improve my life and just giving up on it.

It absolutely fked me up and I did my whole apologize and instantly leave. And now I've got to sit with myself knowing that the friends that I do have are slightly younger than me and I shouldn't be burdening them. I have to sit with the fact that I don't have someone stable who cares for me.

Thought I found a good community on discord, after awhile I did a bit of a lengthy intro getting into a bit of my upbringing. Figured since it was a sort of a safe space for lgbtq+ some of that background of what I went through would be ok. It was apparently not and instantly got removed.