but thank you for being honest. i want to be better

not even saying that as a gotcha or a jab i just think that’s why im like fhis

i wish i could get over it as much as you do. i really, really do. that apology was for myself too, not just you. you don’t know the guilt i carry every day

soon i will just worry about what to eat for dinner what to put on for TV and bills with my love and that’s really the only thing keeping me alive at this point

i can’t even think straight maybe this isn’t a good idea i really don’t care right now im genuinely not mad i can’t be right now i just want my life in this state to be over

my therapist told me that this whole thing stemmed frum being traumatized again about my original trauma and im acting like the friend i knew up and died. that’s how it feels sometimes

the only fantasy i have is overcoming how insecure i am over this shit and how scared and paranoid iam all the damn time and wishing the nightmares will just end.

i went 5-6 months without checking like i was in an AA group or sometjing but max / tyto / whatever their name is now contacted me thru toyhouse out of the blu and i haven’t been okay since. this happened awhile ago albeit but it was the straw that broke the camels back

tried silence yrs ago, tried bartering, connecting, apologizing, anger but it all just makes me cry and shake. art does help but it isn’t a cure-all

you are genuinely right i am obsessive and im not hiding that and i was never doing a good job of that. im just trying to heal and i don’t know what that looks like anymore

dude eff yes more death grips propaganda 🌀