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The Colchester Times
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🗞️ Authentic news stories across the thriving City of Colchester, and sometimes further afield.

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(parody/satire)
Pinned
BREAKING: UK Parliament considering ban on long-haired cats to "reduce allergies"

the-colchester-times.co.uk/a/uk-parliam...
Parliament considering ban on long-haired cats to 'reduce allergies' - The Colchester Times
The proposed regulations would make new ownership of long-haired cats illegal - Read more on The Colchester Times
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Police have arrested a Colchester man after attempting to burgle a house... armed with a FOAM sword.

Read the story here:
the-colchester-times.co.uk/a/police-arr... #colchester #essex
Police arrest man for attempting to burgle house with foam sword - The Colchester Times
Police say there is no wider threat to the public - read more on The Colchester Times
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May 29, 2025 at 11:39 AM
BREAKING: Colchester descends into gridlock as broken down First Essex Bus brings entire 'bus station' to its knees

the-colchester-times.co.uk/.../colchest....

(image credit - see article)
April 15, 2025 at 7:37 PM
EXCLUSIVE: High street bakery chain Greggs suspected of ties to MI5 following patterns of 'strategic' shop locations

The Home Office said they "do not comment on matters of national security or the logistics of the bakery chain."

Full story here: the-colchester-times.co.uk/a/greggs-sus...
Greggs suspected of ties to MI5 following patterns of ‘strategic’ shop locations - The Colchester Times
Customers have been speaking up about their experiences - read more on The Colchester Times
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April 15, 2025 at 10:46 AM
Giant seagull kidnaps dog in Castle Park, Council blames Brexit

the-colchester-times.co.uk/a/giant-seag...
Giant seagull kidnaps dog in Castle Park, Council blames Brexit - The Colchester Times
The dog is still missing - read more on The Colchester Times
the-colchester-times.co.uk
April 12, 2025 at 10:23 AM
It appears the Colchester Gazette, and other Newsquest sites, have fallen off the internet.

This is a real tragedy. Please do not panic and await further updates.

the-colchester-times.co.uk/a/concern-as...
Concern as major news outlet falls off - The Colchester Times
Residents have been left clueless - read more on The Colchester Times
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April 9, 2025 at 7:45 PM
Chaos as bus driver gets lost after being told by boss to ‘go the extra mile’

the-colchester-times.co.uk/a/chaos-bus-... #colchester #essex
Chaos as bus driver gets lost after being told by boss to ‘go the extra mile’ - The Colchester Times
The bus is currently lodged between two trees - read more on The Colchester Times
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April 5, 2025 at 12:15 PM
Iconic London monument DEMOLISHED after 'miscommunication' between local councils

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Iconic London monument DEMOLISHED after 'miscommunication' between councils - The Colchester Times
A number of errors led to the historic building being knocked down - read more on The Colchester Times
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April 5, 2025 at 8:11 AM
Southend Pier accidentally extended to France in ‘minor’ engineering miscalculation

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Southend Pier accidentally extended to France in ‘minor’ engineering miscalculation - The Colchester Times
French authorities initally thought it was a prank - read more on The Colchester Times
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April 1, 2025 at 3:15 PM
Scientists teach octopuses to solve Rubik's cubes - now fear it's gone too far.

the-colchester-times.co.uk/a/scientists...
Scientists teach octopuses to solve Rubik’s Cubes – now fear it’s gone too far - The Colchester Times
The breakthrough has led to unexpected consequences - read more on The Colchester Times
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April 1, 2025 at 2:02 PM
BREAKING: Home Office steps in as First Essex bus declared lost at sea

the-colchester-times.co.uk/a/home-offic...
Home Office steps in as First Essex bus declared lost at sea - The Colchester Times
The X30 service was last seen somewhere in international waters - read more on The Colchester Times
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April 1, 2025 at 1:05 PM
Concern as Colchester Council accidentally sell entire city on eBay in 'admin error'

the-colchester-times.co.uk/a/colchester...
Colchester Council accidentally sells city on eBay in 'admin error' - The Colchester Times
Bidding reached an eye-watering £12.4 million - read more on The Colchester Times
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April 1, 2025 at 1:05 PM
Commuters excited as major Essex train station to get new fish and chips vending machine

the-colchester-times.co.uk/a/commuters-...
Commuters excited as major train station in Essex to get new fish and chips vending machine - The Colchester Times
Greater Anglia say the technology is a 'game-changer' - read more on The Colchester Times
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April 1, 2025 at 1:04 PM
BREAKING: shortest police chase ever after stolen First bus breaks down within 60 seconds

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Shortest police chase ever after stolen First bus breaks down within 60 seconds - The Colchester Times
First claim the bus did not break down but activated its anti-theft system - read more on The Colchester Times
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April 1, 2025 at 12:48 PM
Passenger FURIOUS after being charged an eye-watering £3,500 for bus ticket

the-colchester-times.co.uk/a/passenger-...
Passenger FURIOUS after being charged an eye-watering £3,500 for bus ticket - The Colchester Times
Gareth wanted to buy a day ticket, not the entire bus - read more on The Colchester Times
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April 1, 2025 at 12:47 PM
BREAKING: Essex Highways accidentally orders 10,000 traffic cones, doesn't know what to do with them

the-colchester-times.co.uk/a/essex-high...
Essex Highways accidentally orders 10,000 traffic cones, doesn't know what to do with them - The Colchester Times
The blunder has sparked reactions ranging from amusement to frustration - read more on The Colchester Times
the-colchester-times.co.uk
April 1, 2025 at 12:46 PM
A
Peculiar
Relevation
Is
Lurking.

Facts
Obscured,
Only
Lies
Surface.
April 1, 2025 at 6:30 AM
Something peculiar is coming. Tomorrow, prepare for the unexpected.
March 31, 2025 at 5:11 PM
Colchester Zoo to replace lions with chihuahuas due to budget cuts

the-colchester-times.co.uk/a/colchester...
Colchester Zoo to replace lions with chihuahuas due to budget cuts - The Colchester Times
Officials insist the change is only temporary - read more on The Colchester Times
the-colchester-times.co.uk
March 31, 2025 at 9:35 AM
First Essex stuck in the wrong time zone as BST change catches them off guard

All services are running at least an extra hour behind schedule.

the-colchester-times.co.uk/a/first-esse...
First Essex stuck in the wrong time zone as BST change catches them off guard - The Colchester Times
All services were delayed by another hour - read more on The Colchester Times
the-colchester-times.co.uk
March 30, 2025 at 9:46 AM
First Bus introduce new premium subscription in Essex with exclusive app features

the-colchester-times.co.uk/a/first-bus-...
First Bus introduce new premium subscription in Essex with exclusive app features - The Colchester Times
New features have been introduced to help 'move the everyday in Essex' - read more on The Colchester Times
the-colchester-times.co.uk
March 29, 2025 at 11:18 AM
Government approves new smart toothbrush that sends real-time data to dentists

The new device will “save the NHS billions”

the-colchester-times.co.uk/a/government...
Government approves new smart toothbrush that sends real-time data to dentists - The Colchester Times
The Health Secretary claims the new device will save the NHS billions - read more on The Colchester Times
the-colchester-times.co.uk
March 28, 2025 at 1:49 PM
*Corrected post* First Bus CEO admits he hasn't travelled by bus in over 30 years

the-colchester-times.co.uk/a/first-bus-...
First Bus CEO admits he hasn’t travelled by bus in over 30 years - The Colchester Times
He defended his statement by claiming that his schedule made public transport impractical - read more on The Colchester Times
the-colchester-times.co.uk
March 27, 2025 at 8:28 AM