hah, might be a best case scenario at this point.

"He's tried to do everything he can to make this as unpainless as possible"

Not if we all die at the same time.

Because most of them will break a hip if they're bumped the wrong way.

If the cheapest new vinyl records you see are $40, you need to shop better. There are plenty of great records in the $20-$30 range. Some cheaper if you look hard enough. Also, you aren't accounting for inflation. Yeah, CDs were $20 , that was 25 years ago. If they were still popular they'd cost more