Having intrusive thoughts about Maximum Overdrive while using a massage chair at the airport.

Coming in hot on a Saturday night. Don't let anyone tell you sobriety makes you boring!

Patting myself on the back for being a Real Adult (at age 35) and booking a slightly more expensive Airbnb because it has whole-ass separate rooms for me and my friend.

Good Luck, Bay-be 🌊

Dammit, this guy reminds me of JD Vance now

Tonight while feeding the pets I started chanting “let the kibble hit the bowl” to the tune of “let the bodies hit the floor”

This isn’t Timothee, it’s the guy from Catfish

Inadvertent Hannibal Lecter ASMR during this Silence of the Lambs rewatch :/

Important artifact I need to bring over from my Twitter: Opossum in a lady's bag at the bank

One of the best things about being sober is waking up sick-sick and feeling like you can ask for coddling, as opposed to waking up hungover-sick and feeling like a troll undeserving of affection.

If anyone wants to know what type of kid I was, my childhood library card number is still ingrained in my brain to this day.