One regret I have is I never dated anyone named Annie, I always wanted to ask “Annie are you ok, you ok, you ok Annie?”

Anger is a gift

When you drank too much there are 4 suns on tattooine in the morning. #closeoneeye

Cleaned the bathroom mirror over the weekend. Got a high def reflection of me on a Monday morning. Should have left it dirty.

We need some public enemy songs going

I’m nearly 50 and I fear that my posse may never be in effect.

Newfoundland was first settled over 4000 years ago. Time for a new name, buddy.

Working on a cold Saturday morning

Why do birds chirp and ducks quack? I wonder if any bird has gone undercover to pass as a duck, would it have to learn to quack? Would he slip up and accidentally chirp, raising the suspicion of the ducks? He’d blow his cover and have to bolt out of there fast. Why would a bird have to spy on ducks?

I have an irrationally level of dislike for the Wooly bully song. I can’t explain why but it just irks me.

I think gauntlets that provide protection, information, and retaliation should be normalized. I’d wear the shit out of that.

I think I may have been panicking at the wrong disco tonight.

Can you imagine how many unused name tags from the price is right are floating around out there. Doesn’t everyone in the audience get one?