What would have happened if
Luigi Mangione lived in Berlin.

Her: I don’t trust that guy.
I heard he grooms minors.

Me: Oh, gross.
He works at Supercuts

I was in a park with my dad when he asked me if I wanted to play catch. I said yes, and then he and my mom got in the car and drove away

Some English people are so white they
see a ghost and go, ok who's kid is this?

I was raised by a single mom,
who raised both me and my dad

Killin hecklers w/ jazz

My dad is still upset that I became a comedian cause his dream was for me to be not born

Saw an old man spill seafood on his shirt & his wife goes, oh look you finally have muscles on your chest!

If you drive around with a giant
American flag hanging off the back of your truck, you're not fooling anyone, everyone knows you hit your wife.

Trump supporters!
*Now available wherever books are not sold

If Trump became the Pres of Nike,
they’d change their slogan to:
Just Say You Did It

Racists have superior genes,
the same way Walmart has
superior jeans

If you think your favorite female celebrity is offended by her body being photoshopped, imagine how Jesus feels.

When I was a kid a family friend said your dad beats you, but AT LEAST YOU HAVE A DAD." Years later, he had food poisoning, balled up sweating on his floor. I arrived & said I’m calling a Dr, then knelt down close to his ear & whispered "Sure you feel like shit now, but hey, AT LEAST YOU HAVE FOOD."

I don't get why Mens nipples don't
just fall off, like teeth we don't need anymore. Like...wisdom nipples

I have a Muslim dad, a Jewish mom and a headache from people asking me…

Why don’t I trust religion:
2 groups of people leave England:

1) Religious Puritans - forming the USA

2) Englands worst criminals - forming Australia.

The worst thing that can happen in the US is kids going to school & not coming home. The worst thing in Australia? Spiders

Homophobia makes you look silly:

Him: I think Chris is gay

Me: It’s not your business but why?

Him: He talks w/ his hands a lot

Me: Chris is deaf bro.