I just want to be loved but I think it's probably in some impossible way involving enmeshment and mind reading that isn't fair to actually ask of anyone alive. But I also can't change that I need that. So I am stuck in a paradox.

I hope not, but my optimism is waning. I know that I am the only factor between all these things. I must be the one with the issue. I am just unsure how to move beyond it or help others see... Whatever it is I am in a way that connects and validates. Do I destroy myself or blame external forces?

It's all about rehabilitation but what happens when you can't be rehabilitated? Or only partially? I'm basically feral. I'm malsocialized and already have trouble understanding a lot of cues. Is alienation my only potential future? Am I going to rely on imagination for validation forever?

And obviously it's exhausting for other people when all you can do is talk about how damaged you are. We don't exactly have a good track record as a society at acknowledging that sometimes people can be hurt to the point that they just can't function anymore and that that can happen emotionally.

I can try to explain but it's never really going to click. I can try to cut it all loose but I can't ignore what I am. I can try to connect but if people don't 'get me' than it will never really succeed. It's frustrating and exhausting. Am I going to spend the rest of my life yearning?

And in the meantime, I just feel empty, and disconnected, and alienated. I post about my sister and kink stuff but really all I want is for that to be real because a big part of it is that she understands me. And I don't think anyone can if they haven't been through similar to what I have.

I know that my childhood was... Bad. Worse than even the average Bad childhood, but I'm not sure how to overcome things that were programed into me like ten days after I was born. Or from when I was one or two years old. I am TRYING to cut the past loose but I'm not even sure where to begin.

I'm as connected to people as I can be, I have partners for whom I try to be what they want and need but for various reasons they can't seem to be what I need. And I think that's a me problem. I think maybe there's still some layer between me and the rest of the world that I haven't smashed yet.

There's an entire universe of subtext and other stuff that I don't really share, but the main thing is... Are there other people like me who aren't sharing for the same reasons? Or is there some blockage preventing me from joining everyone else and feeling connected the way they do?

I've been ruminating and honestly... I think maybe I'm messed up in ways that hardly anyone else is. I'm not really sure why but so much of the art I see, the small things people write, it doesn't click or resonate with me. And I make the stuff I want to see but from outside it probably looks bland.

Awwwwwww <3 Thank you!

🐺🐺🐺💋💋💋💯💯💯

My bubble is set to Maximum Ms. Maxine 💯

what's a bubble universe without some stars in it?

A very important part of my bubble universe! Where would I be without my solid gold rambubu? :3