i wish we had longer than six years together. i wish i could see her grow old. i wish i could have introduced her to my girlfriends cat and seen if they got along. but i'm grateful for the time we did have, and all the love and comfort she gave me. i want to do my best to focus on the good times.

that's when i thought about her dying years in the future. i wasn't prepared for it to be this soon, but even as i sit here with the grief so fresh, still in shock over what happened, i'm realizing that i will be ok. i've built enough good in my life now that i can keep going, even as i mourn her.

i already miss her. i know i will continue to miss her. i know the next couple weeks are probably going to be really hard.

but im also grateful to her. i was in a bad place when i got her, and she helped me heal so much. for a very long time i was afraid that when she died i would backslide, and

the hardest part is how sudden this was. if i'd known she was sick at least i would have had time to prepare myself. my mom called at 7, and i walked out if the vet at 8:30. i only had an hour and a half to try and prepare for the worst, and for the worst to happen.

i decided not to wake her, because she seemed peaceful and i was planning to come over today as well. i regret that now. i regret not visiting more. there were no signs anything was wrong and no way i could have known what would happen but i'm still beating myself up.

a week to say hi (to the cats and her). we'd spend a few hours together, playing or cuddling, and she was always so excited to see me. i took her to vets last friday for a check up and there was no indication anything was wrong.

i visited yesterday morning, and she was napping under my mom's bed.

to adjust to the new space before we even considered introducing him to another cat. we also weren't sure if my cat would be able to come over at all, because she and my mothers cats were so bonded. we figured we'd work it out eventually.

short term, i'd just been visiting my mom's a few times

probably something like this was gonna go. i just didn't think it would happen so soon. she was only six years old.

just over a month ago my girlfriend and i moved in together, and i had to leave her with my mom. my girlfriends cat is very anxious due to past trauma, and we knew he needed time

i've lived with cats my whole life, but she was the first that was mine, rather than the family's. i learned and grew a lot from taking on the responsibility of owning my own pet.

she was inbred. i knew pretty early on that she had some health problems, and would likely develop more. i knew that

of kitten up for grabs, and told me we were gonna go pick one out for me. for a very long time, taking care of her was the only reason i got up in the morning, and i'm pretty sure if i hadn't gotten her i would have killed myself, or at least tried to. she saved my life.

and put together a little album. i think i'll be ok with that.

i don't know how to process this. i got my cat when she was just two months old, at the absolute darkest point of my life. i wasn't eating, wasn't caring for myself, had lapsed back into self harm. my mom knew someone who had a litter

if only in a small way. maybe i'll regret not taking anything, idk. i have her collar, and i have a darkroom photograph of here from my film photography class, that one of my woodworker friends is going to make a nice, handmade frame for. i might print out some of the rest of my photos of her

i didn't take her body or any fur clippings or a pawprint or whatever, and i opted for a coral reef burial bc i don't need a box of ashes or some other kind of trinket to look at and be sad about, and i like the idea that she's going to support something important like coral restoration, even

let her go. i got to see her, and took a few minutes to say bye. even on pain meds it was clear she was suffering, super out of it and barely responsive, but when i stepped back to sign the paperwork she immediately started meowing for me. i held her paw as she died.

undiagnosed heart problems, and she was having a catastrophic heart failure. fluid in her lungs, blood clot blocking circulation to her legs, in a lot of distress with very little chance she'd pull through. obviously i agreed to put her down. i didn't want her to suffer bc i selfishly wouldn't

him to bring them bc my mom doesn't really drive and i was at work so he was closer. i left work and got there as soon as i could, and i knew as soon as i walked into the room. the vet had that bad news expression that all doctors do and my mom was sobbing. anyway, turns out my cat had