for a while there i was worried about being trans. i thought of B as some other person. i projected everything onto her, like B and my deadname were two different people. but no. i’ve always just been B. i don’t know what most of this is, it’s just my rambling of how i got here.

of course i still had some denial, but i had a therapist at the time. and he told me, “cis people don’t think like this.” and it genuinely has been my standpoint since. i was never a boy or man. i’ve always just been a girl.

for another two years i ended up as a miserable, uneducated republican. it would take meeting other queer people online to just finally accept that, i was trans. i felt i would be happier being seen as a woman, i wanted to be a woman in a happy and close relationship with another.

at school i started telling close friends i was trans, and it made me so excited to do so. then 2016 happened. trans people had mental illnesses to me because that’s what ben shapiro on the screen said. i believed there was only 2 genders, and i pushed myself into the closet. i couldn’t be trans.

as time went on, a certain youtuber i liked ended up being trans. the concept to me was foreign, but exciting. i started to wonder if i too was trans. what if i was girl. how would people feel, how would i feel. the thoughts made me happy. i knew no one would accept me, but i felt happy.

it was 11 when i found those stupid gender quizzes. i remember seeing the responses and being told i was gender fluid. now younger me of course didn’t know the intricacies of what gender meant, but being called something else other than a boy made me feel something. it was new, and i was happy.

i would think about how interesting it would be to meet her. i would always want to play with the girls, but ended up with the boys because we were different. i wanted plushies, but boys don’t collect plushies i was told. i wanted to paint my nails with my mom. but boys don’t do that.