Still, I prefer talking to people irl. Talking online, as cool as it can be, scares me even more, which is so contradictory considering what this post is!! It’s so frustrating.

I wanna go back to being able to socializing the way I used to. Maybe not *exactly* the way I used to, but connecting and empathizing without the overwhelming anxiety or fear of being taken for granted. The anxiety makes me stammer for simple sentences and responses. 😵‍💫

I can smile normally now, I think. I can envision old dreams again, and not feel like it’s all hopeless. Sure, my friends will still see how I can still be tired and sad, but being able to genuinely enjoy things again with people I love and deem special means everything to me and shows I’m regrowing

It’s scary to try and be more open again, even though I know with my heart and mind it’s for the best. The chest pains remind me though how I’m still healing from personal events and processing new experiences happening around me.

Despite all of this though, I think I’m getting better.

It’s scary to me how hard it is to cry and let everything out unless I’m with another person I trust. Whenever it comes to me being alone, no matter how much I really want to, I can’t get myself to. It sucks. I’m thinking maybe this is the consequences of repression, but I’m trying to get out of it.

With some recent events happening in life, I can’t help but feel a calm melancholy (though the reasons are plentiful and known.) I’m not sure if it’s because of how tired I am, but it’s rather numbing. I still feel these emotions fully, I think, but I can’t let them out as well as I could before.

-slower moments of silence. Maybe not necessarily “peace” every time, but moments where things can slow down briefly. It can be good or bad depending on how you interpret the time spent in this feeling or what emotions you bring in before and after.

Otherwise, a majority of things have been fine. I think I’m achieving dreams this year, but it’s such a grind through these periods where I get these thoughts and emotions. Just need a place to air it out, but thankful I made this spam account.

Idk who actually even reads these, but I love you.

I already know why it feels lonely, and the truth of how I haven’t been reaching out enough to others myself to ask for help and give it a chance. Or just spend time with them. Every time I think I can do it though - to be real and reach out, there is an indescribable urge to just bawl my eyes out.

I know I have plenty of friends to lean back on for support or to talk to every so often, and I would genuinely and honestly love to! I’m grateful, but just can’t help but get scared — if I end up overdoing it while reaching out and being what I believe is the real me, something bad will happen.

It hits harder when it’s something you’ve lowkey wanted to deny and stay in denial of until someone else tells you it, and it hits like a freight train. It can be gut wrenching, but also a breath of fresh air to hear someone else say it instead of having that unspoken tension in your chest stay.

If you read all the posts before this last one, I love you. Seriously. <3

(4/4)

Allowing myself to enjoy in full keeps the anxieties, the frustrations, the fears, the unknowns— they can all slip away, even for just a little.

I know they won’t fully go away anytime soon, or maybe ever, but it’s nice to know I’m growing, and that it can get better. That it *does* get better.

I haven’t had an anxiety attack in weeks until super recently — which, sure, having one now isn’t exactly good — but it feels…gratifying. To look back and realize I’m not getting them as much as I used to feels nice. (2/4)