Steven Rogers
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stevenrogerscomedy.bsky.social
Steven Rogers
@stevenrogerscomedy.bsky.social
Comedian/Avenger
Pinned
Whenever someone boards my flight with a cowboy hat I’m like, “are we going to a cowboy place or was I just in a cowboy place?”
I wish pleasing a person was as easy pleasing my cats.
No woman has ever been this excited about an empty box.
July 31, 2025 at 6:58 PM
My whole mindset when I’m going through my mail is “which one of these is going to be the one that ends me?”
July 22, 2025 at 7:02 PM
I’m at the perfect golf skill level. I’m a good enough hang to get invited to the outings, but bad enough that they say I can just ride around with them in the cart.

All of the sun, none of the rage. Only way I’ll turn red is if I forgot my sunscreen.
July 16, 2025 at 12:55 PM
I have an indent in my chest, so when I sweat all of it catches there and make a big sweat stain in the center of my chest. It always looks I’m the first one out in a water balloon fight.
July 15, 2025 at 5:32 PM
Ever feel a part of your body just quit while you’re sitting there doing nothing?

Asking for a friend.

That friend is me.
June 25, 2025 at 1:08 AM
Love when people take meetings loudly in a coffee shop, because whenever I’m out trying to enjoy my day I’m always like “ugh I wish I felt like I was at work though.”
June 20, 2025 at 12:20 PM
I’m from a college town but didn’t go there. It was kind of like living in emerald city, but you never got sing, dance, or get a diploma.
June 18, 2025 at 11:58 AM
Pigeons from knee to shoulder are a boring gray and then their head and neck is like, BAM PURPLE AND GREEN.
June 16, 2025 at 4:20 PM
Hotel art is like, “Nothing to see here! Go back to sleep.”
June 15, 2025 at 9:41 PM
My diet consists of me saying “oh no” out loud right before I order something I shouldn’t.
June 15, 2025 at 8:18 PM
I think we can all agree, without headphones it now looks strange to sing the song that’s stuck in your head.
June 12, 2025 at 12:30 PM
I’ve reached the age where being in the room with a doughnut feels like being in the room with an ex. If I don’t get out of there soon, I’m going to do something I’ll regret.
June 9, 2025 at 3:16 PM
Espresso machine in my hotel room? Looks like I’m going to be scrolling through my phone REALLY fast!
June 7, 2025 at 12:42 PM
My hotel’s shower pressure is so strong I think it just power washed 3 years off me.
June 6, 2025 at 11:17 PM
Dating apps are like, “Oh you want to meet someone? Write us a couple essays first.”
June 5, 2025 at 11:34 AM
I don’t know how to approach a woman that’s wearing headphones. Well, I know I have to approach her loudly but I don’t know what to say.
June 4, 2025 at 9:20 PM
Smart car is an interesting name for something I can never figure out how to get in and out of.
June 4, 2025 at 9:03 PM
I had a guy call me simp and I was like, “well yeah I’m not trying to be complicated.”
June 4, 2025 at 12:15 AM
The only worry I have about people pulling up my old tweets is seeing how poorly my hilarious thoughts did.
June 4, 2025 at 12:14 AM
Some people argue about whether or not golf is a sport. I’ll just say, I’ve seen people answer the phone while they played it, and the person on the other end couldn’t tell they were doing it.
June 3, 2025 at 10:47 PM
What making plans with me looks like.
June 1, 2025 at 1:42 PM
Being on the road as a New Yorker means walking to everything and everyone being really weirded out by that.
May 31, 2025 at 6:35 PM
My hotel is so quiet you can hear me making front facing videos and hating myself.
May 29, 2025 at 3:16 PM
It’s wild that coffee dehydrates you and makes you have to pee BUT water hydrates you and makes you have to pee.

*realizing I’m still officiating a wedding*

…just like how this couple is different but similar too right?
May 29, 2025 at 2:07 PM
I now do 100 pushups a day.
LOOK OUT FLOORS I’M COMING FOR YOU!
May 28, 2025 at 3:54 PM