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Whenever someone boards my flight with a cowboy hat I’m like, “are we going to a cowboy place or was I just in a cowboy place?”
I wish pleasing a person was as easy pleasing my cats.
No woman has ever been this excited about an empty box.
No woman has ever been this excited about an empty box.
July 31, 2025 at 6:58 PM
I wish pleasing a person was as easy pleasing my cats.
No woman has ever been this excited about an empty box.
No woman has ever been this excited about an empty box.
My whole mindset when I’m going through my mail is “which one of these is going to be the one that ends me?”
July 22, 2025 at 7:02 PM
My whole mindset when I’m going through my mail is “which one of these is going to be the one that ends me?”
I’m at the perfect golf skill level. I’m a good enough hang to get invited to the outings, but bad enough that they say I can just ride around with them in the cart.
All of the sun, none of the rage. Only way I’ll turn red is if I forgot my sunscreen.
All of the sun, none of the rage. Only way I’ll turn red is if I forgot my sunscreen.
July 16, 2025 at 12:55 PM
I’m at the perfect golf skill level. I’m a good enough hang to get invited to the outings, but bad enough that they say I can just ride around with them in the cart.
All of the sun, none of the rage. Only way I’ll turn red is if I forgot my sunscreen.
All of the sun, none of the rage. Only way I’ll turn red is if I forgot my sunscreen.
I have an indent in my chest, so when I sweat all of it catches there and make a big sweat stain in the center of my chest. It always looks I’m the first one out in a water balloon fight.
July 15, 2025 at 5:32 PM
I have an indent in my chest, so when I sweat all of it catches there and make a big sweat stain in the center of my chest. It always looks I’m the first one out in a water balloon fight.
Ever feel a part of your body just quit while you’re sitting there doing nothing?
Asking for a friend.
That friend is me.
Asking for a friend.
That friend is me.
June 25, 2025 at 1:08 AM
Ever feel a part of your body just quit while you’re sitting there doing nothing?
Asking for a friend.
That friend is me.
Asking for a friend.
That friend is me.
Love when people take meetings loudly in a coffee shop, because whenever I’m out trying to enjoy my day I’m always like “ugh I wish I felt like I was at work though.”
June 20, 2025 at 12:20 PM
Love when people take meetings loudly in a coffee shop, because whenever I’m out trying to enjoy my day I’m always like “ugh I wish I felt like I was at work though.”
I’m from a college town but didn’t go there. It was kind of like living in emerald city, but you never got sing, dance, or get a diploma.
June 18, 2025 at 11:58 AM
I’m from a college town but didn’t go there. It was kind of like living in emerald city, but you never got sing, dance, or get a diploma.
Pigeons from knee to shoulder are a boring gray and then their head and neck is like, BAM PURPLE AND GREEN.
June 16, 2025 at 4:20 PM
Pigeons from knee to shoulder are a boring gray and then their head and neck is like, BAM PURPLE AND GREEN.
Hotel art is like, “Nothing to see here! Go back to sleep.”
June 15, 2025 at 9:41 PM
Hotel art is like, “Nothing to see here! Go back to sleep.”
My diet consists of me saying “oh no” out loud right before I order something I shouldn’t.
June 15, 2025 at 8:18 PM
My diet consists of me saying “oh no” out loud right before I order something I shouldn’t.
I think we can all agree, without headphones it now looks strange to sing the song that’s stuck in your head.
June 12, 2025 at 12:30 PM
I think we can all agree, without headphones it now looks strange to sing the song that’s stuck in your head.
I’ve reached the age where being in the room with a doughnut feels like being in the room with an ex. If I don’t get out of there soon, I’m going to do something I’ll regret.
June 9, 2025 at 3:16 PM
I’ve reached the age where being in the room with a doughnut feels like being in the room with an ex. If I don’t get out of there soon, I’m going to do something I’ll regret.
Espresso machine in my hotel room? Looks like I’m going to be scrolling through my phone REALLY fast!
June 7, 2025 at 12:42 PM
Espresso machine in my hotel room? Looks like I’m going to be scrolling through my phone REALLY fast!
My hotel’s shower pressure is so strong I think it just power washed 3 years off me.
June 6, 2025 at 11:17 PM
My hotel’s shower pressure is so strong I think it just power washed 3 years off me.
Dating apps are like, “Oh you want to meet someone? Write us a couple essays first.”
June 5, 2025 at 11:34 AM
Dating apps are like, “Oh you want to meet someone? Write us a couple essays first.”
I don’t know how to approach a woman that’s wearing headphones. Well, I know I have to approach her loudly but I don’t know what to say.
June 4, 2025 at 9:20 PM
I don’t know how to approach a woman that’s wearing headphones. Well, I know I have to approach her loudly but I don’t know what to say.
Smart car is an interesting name for something I can never figure out how to get in and out of.
June 4, 2025 at 9:03 PM
Smart car is an interesting name for something I can never figure out how to get in and out of.
I had a guy call me simp and I was like, “well yeah I’m not trying to be complicated.”
June 4, 2025 at 12:15 AM
I had a guy call me simp and I was like, “well yeah I’m not trying to be complicated.”
The only worry I have about people pulling up my old tweets is seeing how poorly my hilarious thoughts did.
June 4, 2025 at 12:14 AM
The only worry I have about people pulling up my old tweets is seeing how poorly my hilarious thoughts did.
Some people argue about whether or not golf is a sport. I’ll just say, I’ve seen people answer the phone while they played it, and the person on the other end couldn’t tell they were doing it.
June 3, 2025 at 10:47 PM
Some people argue about whether or not golf is a sport. I’ll just say, I’ve seen people answer the phone while they played it, and the person on the other end couldn’t tell they were doing it.
What making plans with me looks like.
June 1, 2025 at 1:42 PM
What making plans with me looks like.
Being on the road as a New Yorker means walking to everything and everyone being really weirded out by that.
May 31, 2025 at 6:35 PM
Being on the road as a New Yorker means walking to everything and everyone being really weirded out by that.
My hotel is so quiet you can hear me making front facing videos and hating myself.
May 29, 2025 at 3:16 PM
My hotel is so quiet you can hear me making front facing videos and hating myself.
It’s wild that coffee dehydrates you and makes you have to pee BUT water hydrates you and makes you have to pee.
*realizing I’m still officiating a wedding*
…just like how this couple is different but similar too right?
*realizing I’m still officiating a wedding*
…just like how this couple is different but similar too right?
May 29, 2025 at 2:07 PM
It’s wild that coffee dehydrates you and makes you have to pee BUT water hydrates you and makes you have to pee.
*realizing I’m still officiating a wedding*
…just like how this couple is different but similar too right?
*realizing I’m still officiating a wedding*
…just like how this couple is different but similar too right?
I now do 100 pushups a day.
LOOK OUT FLOORS I’M COMING FOR YOU!
LOOK OUT FLOORS I’M COMING FOR YOU!
May 28, 2025 at 3:54 PM
I now do 100 pushups a day.
LOOK OUT FLOORS I’M COMING FOR YOU!
LOOK OUT FLOORS I’M COMING FOR YOU!