To be honest I never thought I would write one story into a book let alone a second one. I have a whole folder of story ideas that I want to go through. I'm not published, yet, but that doesn't mean I can't be proud of tackling something as grand as writing novels.

However my comfort zone and effect writing skills are two very clashing ideals. I'm not a word smith by any means but I am an artist thus I need to be thorough in my descriptions so as to properly paint a clear picture in the readers mind.

To be clear high word count or high page count don't equate to being a good writer or a bad writer. Some people aim for a specific range and are capable of effectively telling their story within their self imposed confines. Since I'm so new I still trying to find my comfort zone.

Not to mention that I edited my first book and came to the conclusion that I didn't have enough proper detail which would add more to that story. My intention was never to write such long books.

Take in to consideration that this is a first draft and some things will be trimmed in editing but some might be added as well. I thought the first draft of my first book was long with over 105k words and then I do this behemoth.

An example would 34/200 would be 17%. Then plug the 17 as 0.17 into current word and page count to have the potential word and page count. So say I had 35k words it would be 35,000/0.17 would be over 205k words and as a novice writer that's a beefy project.

Like I'm not comfortable naming anything and I certainly refuse to say anything like "my inner goddess" or "his member". The instances are very emotional so rather than explaining how a couple raw dogs on the beach I make it more about sensations leading up to, during and after. Make them cuddle.

Another thing I did not expect to be writing about is some light smut, again. Like it's in my outline but I was planning on doing a fade to black both times but I didn't. I don't have experience with writing spice and so I relied on my fanfic reading to help paint a vague picture.

All in all this long ramble is to say words are hard and feeling are dumb. If you find something you love, prepare to face some demons while you try to find peace.

There is a funny thing about this character and that they don't even have a name yet. Ha!

It seems that writing has been more than cathartic. It brings forth raw emotions that I struggle to even name. My counselor says it's part of the healing process. I'm getting more comfortable saying why I'm fucked up and afraid of commitment. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt each time I do say it.

So to be writing and have a character who is so hopelessly in love, ready to burn the world down for a chance to be with their soul mate, it hurt me. I've never experienced this bliss that was so easy to write. It mirrors some of the longingness I wasn't aware I felt.

The other part is fear. Fear that any man would force himself on me. My own flesh and blood thought it was acceptable, a friend I trusted had stopped himself but cared little about my consent. Why would it be different with someone else?

Things ended when I understood what he wanted, him not caring that I was 13 and he was 16. Be blissful ignorance or genuinely unknowing what was happening to me by the hands of my cousins, he loathed me for a long time and I him. He was only one part of why I never dated.

I've been single my entire adult life, partly by choice but mostly out of fear. I had a boyfriend in the manner that he was a boy and was my friend. I didn't understand what others meant as I wasn't even 10 years old. When I learned his intentions, to say I panicked was an understatement.

I had little intention of writing a romance but this character is so tragically in love it breaks my heart. They were always going to have a happy ending but they told me how their love is so deep it, their loneliness so profound that a part of me is terribly sad.

In the middle of writing the next chapter and I'm gonna make myself cry. The character I had imagined spoke to me so differently. I had planned for a strong, stoic character with a sense of duty and instead they told me who they really are.

Broke 20k words today. I had a bad day and didn't reach my goal but I've been able to make it back up. The story is taking a much wilder approach than Fate's Thread did. Maybe experience has really paid off. Fascinating really.

I say this since I'm nearing the end of chapter 4 of this new project. It's really a toss up, new perspective that opens the door for other points of view from other characters or make the next chapter smut.

I could do both. Not like anyone can stop me.

Today marks 1/5th of NaNoWriMo done and I am a touch ahead with having 10360. Writing a new story I'm reminded how dumb I am cause words are hard.