Y’all in 2026 when a loaf of bread costs $90: At least none of my neighbors are undocumented immigrants

Y’all in 2027 when Elon launches the nukes: I think he was just making an autistic gesture

Story time: One time I was serving a table and they mentioned that they’d just seen Wonder Woman and loved it, so I made some joke about how low the bar had been for DC movies (cough BATMAN V SUPERMAN cough) and then my manager told me that the lady I had just said that to was Jesse Eisenberg’s wife

Pretty weird time to be shopping for health coverage just sayin

Do you have any idea how different my life, my personality and choices and motivations etc would be if I simply was one of those people who doesn’t enjoy the taste of cheese

The Toxic Avenger but it’s just the Incredible Hulk gaslighting all his homies

“He’s in heaven now, chopping it up with Bill Hicks and Dick Butkus” like is heaven really just a free-for-all meet-and-greet or do celebs get their own lil roped-off section so they’re not spending eternity getting punished by your dead uncle or whatever

Soon as I start taking karate lessons it’s over for this asshole

Mrs. Doubtfire should have been called Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dad