wife who was cheated on: you hurt me, babe. you really did. i know you apologized but i dont know if i can get over it. for you, forgiveness may never come

her husband with an edging fetish: never?

so glad i legalized weed. this blunts for you, captain kirk

exhausted. sad. a little drunk. ordered mcdonalds on doordash. double quarter pounder w cheese. no ketchup. gets to my door and theres ketchup on it? the sight of it was honestly triggering. i cant fucking eat this. requested a refund but they said no. $GovNewsom if you care, i could use it

prince harry over tea: so, dad, i heard youre a pedophile?

king charles: actually i am a corpse

I'm an orgasm denier. I don't believe the orgasm ever happened

*trans america ferrera* you have to always be a hung babe, but somehow youre always doing it wrong! youve gotta be big, but not too big! You have to give head, but you cant ask for head, because somehow thats crass! You have to top, but you cant be dominant or youre being a bitch! And you have to-

I'm being targeted for my right wing beliefs Elon please unban

Lol

Fuck you Elon! A Babylon Bee editor makes a "joke" about raping women and I'm the one who gets suspended? Eat shit you Boer dickhead

I'm putting a moratorium on Portland businesses using the American Horror Story font for their signage until we can figure out what the hell is going on

Trying to like an egirl's tweets but I'm locked for 12 hours for telling a guy to kill himself

I hate a "to wit:" ass mf

The side squeeze to main squeeze pipeline

Babe I'm ready to upgrade you from side squeeze to main squeeze

Kabob time

My greatest fear is that Family Guy might go woke