and why does him actually providing for me make him feel like he's entitled to my body like that?

fuck it. im done. im done.

google the south african statistics on SA and understand why i feel physically, mentally and emotionally sick about it.
im sick coz what sort of society makes me feel like *i* owe him for how he has taken care of me

jeezuz fuck. i feel physically sick

i had been SA'd before in the above manner where i felt like i couldn't say no. but today i did say no and felt bad and said sorry to the person. wtf is that?
why are femme presenting people always forced to apologise for saying no.

that's rape culture btw. you enter into a relationship thinking you have autonomy and someone decides they want to take it from you when you're not ready. and when you refuse they act hurt and make you feel guilty.

so now, why did i feel guilty that i literally fought him off of me because i really did not want to consummate our relationship. i had told him before he accosted me but still

I had been awake for more than 24hrs coz it doesn't matter that im used to my calls as a Dr but I'll always have insomnia without my sleeping pills that help me pass out unstressed about the hospital calling me

he threw condoms and lube (the burning kind [vicks]) on my bed and everything. and i literally had to stop him kissing and grinding on me because I was not in the mood

obviously not even reading in to the fact that the mostly femme girls thought i was 'safe' to experiment with in high school with their first girl-on-girl kissing. lawd save me the teenage drama of the femme cis girls and their experimenting in the next life :(