Every time I swipe my credit card

I just turned down an all expenses paid trip to bora bora with someone bc my situation-ship and I just became exclusive. I deserve like a sticker or iced coffee or somethin’

People who say “be more careful next time”. Genuinely, that was my best.

I went to yoga at 6am for my mental health or whatever

If I ever find myself back in a evangelical church that forces people to speak in tongues, I’m gonna get up there and in a shitty Italian accent go “it’s-a-me. Mario.”

When I asked him what his goals in life were and he replied: ‘any hole is my goal’ 🪦

It’s giving ‘….listen here, you little shit’

the way my cat sleeps…