I’m just frustrated. Okay, I’ll stop crying about it to the internet now and go jack myself off. Again. It’s whatever.

What’s a guy gotta do to get out of this funk? Do I need to give into the shallow vanity of it all & really just try to become some beefy muscle guy to compensate for my assumed declined face card? Or take the high road and just accept that I have to go sexless until someone actually like my face?

While I’m happy that I’m getting healthier, physically and mentally, it’s disheartening when the community I’m a part of still tells me I’m not enough. I know I am, but that doesn’t get me laid, and I’m trying to get laid.

Now, I know & have come to terms with the fact that my face falls closer to the « cute » side of the Cute-Hot spectrum, and I personally don’t think I’m unattractive. But I think I am to other gays.

« Maybe it’s an online thing. Maybe I should try going out in person » I say to myself. So, the other night, I went to my local gay bar, and I got plenty of polite smiles, but nothing ever came from them, even when I initiated conversation.

Suddenly they’re « busy and can’t meet up. » They « fell asleep » and couldn’t reply. They block me.

Suddenly I’m getting taps and likes and swipes like no tomorrow. Guys are hitting me up, asking if I’m looking, complimenting my muscle, which to be completely honest is an ego boost. But as soon as I send my face picture, crickets.

The other week, I changed my profile completely. I updated all my info and changed my bio, and my new profile picture was me flexing at the gym, but instead of showing my face, this time I covered it with an emoji.

All pictures are recent, because I’ve been proud about my recent body recomposition and have been confident enough to take new pictures, but still, not a single guy sliding in my DMs.

All that being said, nothing shakes my newfound confidence like the gay hookup community. For years, I’ve had a clear face picture on my profiles, and I’ve only had a handful of guys reply back to me/initiate conversation.

I’ve gone on a fitness journey, losing 40 lbs and have even built up some visible muscle. Honestly, I feel like I feel like I’m in a really good place with the progress I’ve made. I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished.

For the past several years, I’ve been attending talk therapy sessions and have been working on things, like my people-pleasing tendencies, correcting my body image issues, and learning to self-validate and boost my self-esteem. This has led to me finally taking care of myself properly.