I know a guy who used to date my friends who could not remember my name even after I baked him his favorite cake.

I wish that I could go through life with that limited a set of upper brain functions. It must be so liberating.

I would've voted for the left one.

I bought my apartment BECAUSE of the kitchen. You just can't see that all of the rest of it is about 50 sq ft.

This you.

Later on, i was flirting with a boy who begrudgingly turned me down because he recently started dating someone who i later learned was the guy who tried to get me to piss on a wall together.

Anyway, the saga ended when I fucked the piss boy the next year.

When I was im college, I was flirting with a boy at a party and it was going really well, but then he asked to follow him to the attic to piss out a window together and I had to leave.

(This is not true, it was actually against a wall, but wouldn't it be fun if it was also a window?)

What a reflection of the miserable sycophants and goons he surrounds himself with that having one conversation with a genuinely charming and intelligent person has him perilously swooning.

All of you looks naked to me, tbh.

This week a coworker asked me to read a German translation, and I sent it back asking who translated it because it was incomprehensible. "GPT, that's how we do all our translations now." 🫠

Always the bull, never the hot wife 😢

You could get a 50 year loan :)

You'd think the bussyrizzler would be a lot more tolerant of my boys committed to the gobblin'

Ok, but what about when we sing "Jellyous" by Illit alone in our rooms and also do full choreo?

This is why I go with non-numerical systems of measure. My penis is the length of a crisp summer breeze and the girth of a haunting melody.

You're not in trouble boots. We're just trying to get the tea on this situation.

Today i woke up in Times Square where my bodega cat made me a bagel with extra schmear, and rode the pizza rat down to grand central where I saw a pigeon yell, "I'm walking here!" to a halal cart that was taking a cab to the statue of liberty. Goddamn it feels good to be in New York today.