Having Ménière's and being required to tell people “I’m only deaf sometimes” is honestly the worst part of it.

Call Eminem corny all you want but there’s no situation that would lead him to playing at trumps inauguration

When I grow up I want to be zach galifianakis in the hangover

Whenever I get too optimistic I watch a mobile game ad to remind myself that we all live in hell

I know I’m a freak but David Lynch passing is genuinely devastating for me

This is so real, but instead of beer, imagine the most rancid, disgusting, visually offensive, vile abomination of slop you could ever conceive

My ex wife tried to kill me in my sleep and sometimes I wonder why I didn’t do anything the first time and now that we’re talking has anyone noticed the intense smell of burning toast in this room i guess the point I’m getting at is why are you Chinese?

- Your senator to a Singaporean man

I only support Andrew Tate when he’s in that tie dye bathing suit

That’s right queen tuck that shit in

My trans Ex used to love telling me she wasn’t like other girls like I haven’t seen her try to parallel park