Going into my third year at this job and I'm not even stressed about it anymore. shit does not matter that much.

I'm very autistic and have low self esteem. It's nice to be told I'm wanted, not just presumed to be based on implicit evidence.

it just felt nice to tell someone on the team. and to be reassured I am truly wanted there. I wasn't expecting it. my coach was, in her way, fighting for me to be there and stay. and that's enough for me rn.

My coach seems to believe that this no contact/absolute silence isn't sustainable considering our long history but I don't know...I don't think I can let them back into my life after they tossed me aside so easily. and if there's anything I know about them it's that they're stubborn as fuck.

talking every day, nearly ten years of friendship, to silence. that I felt discarded like trash. My coach asked if during the relationship I felt like that and I said yes. She seemed stunned.

I try extremely hard to not shit talk my ex in our shared relationships, even though they hurt me deeply, because it's not fair to them. but I let slip that we never had a conversation after our break up and that she wants no contact from me. I told my coach it was hard to go from

my ex got a concussion at our last game and I was torn between helping her off the field or continuing to play. my coach saw my indecision and told me she knows I would do that for everyone, not just my ex.

but she's grateful to have me on the team and is glad that I'm still here. we talked a lot about people coming into our lives and how she knows we (my ex and I) are good people. she told me how she knows how caring I am

they were my best friend. they were also deeply cruel to me.

I've cried three times this week. Full on sobbing. But I need to get used to this loneliness so that it can just become solitude.

Tonight I'm getting a hair cut, shopping, making soup, calling a friend, and making buttons for my rugby team. I will be okay. But this ache is hard.

It's scary though. So fucking scary. But I want to meet people who know me as me and not as my previous relationship.

I didn't make it to poetry yesterday but I went to dinner by myself, got pastries, and walked a local art market.

I personally think they should feel worse and more insecure so there