Holding Onto my Sanity Ramblings
@shambling.bsky.social
Shuffling mass of flesh and skeleton
I will take my pain, and recognize how strong I am for enduring it for so long. I will learn that nothing will keep me truly down save death itself. I will learn to love, protect, and respect myself, the way you never could.
January 11, 2026 at 5:11 AM
I will take my pain, and recognize how strong I am for enduring it for so long. I will learn that nothing will keep me truly down save death itself. I will learn to love, protect, and respect myself, the way you never could.
Broken. Vulnerable. Hypersensitive, hyper aware. Raw. Only then will I be remade. In the void of emotional burnout, I will find the will to keep going. To defy. To trudge on, every beautiful day. To live in spite of the sun.
January 11, 2026 at 5:11 AM
Broken. Vulnerable. Hypersensitive, hyper aware. Raw. Only then will I be remade. In the void of emotional burnout, I will find the will to keep going. To defy. To trudge on, every beautiful day. To live in spite of the sun.
I will learn the true meaning of words like futility and weakness. I will become the weakest, most sorry, most pathetic creature on the planet, clawing the ground while clutching the gaping maws of my bleeding wounds.
January 11, 2026 at 5:11 AM
I will learn the true meaning of words like futility and weakness. I will become the weakest, most sorry, most pathetic creature on the planet, clawing the ground while clutching the gaping maws of my bleeding wounds.
The world is coming apart beneath my feet, and a part of me is still falling.
I’ll learn to be brave, I’ll learn to build. I’ll learn to create, to weave, to reconstruct in a new image, to start again. Those lessons will come, with time. But first, I will have everything ripped away from me.
I’ll learn to be brave, I’ll learn to build. I’ll learn to create, to weave, to reconstruct in a new image, to start again. Those lessons will come, with time. But first, I will have everything ripped away from me.
January 11, 2026 at 5:11 AM
The world is coming apart beneath my feet, and a part of me is still falling.
I’ll learn to be brave, I’ll learn to build. I’ll learn to create, to weave, to reconstruct in a new image, to start again. Those lessons will come, with time. But first, I will have everything ripped away from me.
I’ll learn to be brave, I’ll learn to build. I’ll learn to create, to weave, to reconstruct in a new image, to start again. Those lessons will come, with time. But first, I will have everything ripped away from me.
That if I just am smart enough and look hard enough, I’ll find the right action to take and I’ll fix everything. A part of me is still there, missing you. A part of me is still there, mourning the loss I can see coming, no matter how much I tried to deny it.
January 11, 2026 at 5:11 AM
That if I just am smart enough and look hard enough, I’ll find the right action to take and I’ll fix everything. A part of me is still there, missing you. A part of me is still there, mourning the loss I can see coming, no matter how much I tried to deny it.
A part of me is still there, worried about you. Trying to help you. Wanting everything to be okay, wanting to believe everything can be okay if I just do the right thing, find the right solution.
January 11, 2026 at 5:11 AM
A part of me is still there, worried about you. Trying to help you. Wanting everything to be okay, wanting to believe everything can be okay if I just do the right thing, find the right solution.
The sound of desperately attempting to survive in face of overwhelming powerlessness. When I let myself feel these emotions, at even a percentage of their full potencies, I am made a goddamn mess.
Because a part of me is still there, still loving you.
Because a part of me is still there, still loving you.
January 11, 2026 at 5:11 AM
The sound of desperately attempting to survive in face of overwhelming powerlessness. When I let myself feel these emotions, at even a percentage of their full potencies, I am made a goddamn mess.
Because a part of me is still there, still loving you.
Because a part of me is still there, still loving you.
I have died so many times. Memories slice me up and leave me on the floor, a pile of scraps. It’s hard to breathe. I’m shaking. I can’t form words, just gasps of air and noise. Noise, like the ones my objection was that night.
January 11, 2026 at 5:11 AM
I have died so many times. Memories slice me up and leave me on the floor, a pile of scraps. It’s hard to breathe. I’m shaking. I can’t form words, just gasps of air and noise. Noise, like the ones my objection was that night.
Did you notice? Or were you too busy trying to goad dad into hitting you back? Did you even hear me? Did you hear your youngest child, begging you to stop? Did you hear your youngest child’s soul breaking? Did you?
January 11, 2026 at 5:11 AM
Did you notice? Or were you too busy trying to goad dad into hitting you back? Did you even hear me? Did you hear your youngest child, begging you to stop? Did you hear your youngest child’s soul breaking? Did you?
Beyond the brink, beyond the point of self preservation. Just desperation. Pure, concentrated desperation, like a beam of holy light. Tears leaked from my eyes, did you know?
January 11, 2026 at 5:11 AM
Beyond the brink, beyond the point of self preservation. Just desperation. Pure, concentrated desperation, like a beam of holy light. Tears leaked from my eyes, did you know?
A moment of hopelessness, collapse, my entire life up to that instant of time snapping again and again like the chain reaction of hydrogen atoms in the core of a nuclear reactor. A being being pushed to the edge and finally, finally over it.
January 11, 2026 at 5:11 AM
A moment of hopelessness, collapse, my entire life up to that instant of time snapping again and again like the chain reaction of hydrogen atoms in the core of a nuclear reactor. A being being pushed to the edge and finally, finally over it.
It’s not nearly enough, because I’m still stuck in my seat, scared shitless. Because I finally did it, I voiced my opinion, I put myself in the situation instead of hoping it’ll pass over me if I’m small and quiet and obedient enough. It’s not enough, not nearly enough. But it’s a start.
January 11, 2026 at 5:11 AM
It’s not nearly enough, because I’m still stuck in my seat, scared shitless. Because I finally did it, I voiced my opinion, I put myself in the situation instead of hoping it’ll pass over me if I’m small and quiet and obedient enough. It’s not enough, not nearly enough. But it’s a start.
Every part of me wants to fight, and every part of me is afraid.
A part of me is still there, watching you hit dad, the objection ripping itself from my throat. It’s guttural, it’s coarse, it’s sandpaper dragged against my mouth’s pink flesh, and it’s not enough.
A part of me is still there, watching you hit dad, the objection ripping itself from my throat. It’s guttural, it’s coarse, it’s sandpaper dragged against my mouth’s pink flesh, and it’s not enough.
January 11, 2026 at 5:11 AM
Every part of me wants to fight, and every part of me is afraid.
A part of me is still there, watching you hit dad, the objection ripping itself from my throat. It’s guttural, it’s coarse, it’s sandpaper dragged against my mouth’s pink flesh, and it’s not enough.
A part of me is still there, watching you hit dad, the objection ripping itself from my throat. It’s guttural, it’s coarse, it’s sandpaper dragged against my mouth’s pink flesh, and it’s not enough.
I’m there, fighting myself, because my entire life I’ve known, I wasn’t brave enough to speak up. Brave people spoke up. Brave people took action. And my entire life, I was so afraid of you, I was so afraid of what you’d do to me if I ever actually defied.
January 11, 2026 at 5:11 AM
I’m there, fighting myself, because my entire life I’ve known, I wasn’t brave enough to speak up. Brave people spoke up. Brave people took action. And my entire life, I was so afraid of you, I was so afraid of what you’d do to me if I ever actually defied.
A part of me is still in that car, watching you yell at dad, objection in my throat so desperate to be let out. But I’m choking it down, I’m holding myself back, I’m staying in the passenger seat and staying quiet despite every fiber of my being wanted to get out and stop the two of you.
January 11, 2026 at 5:11 AM
A part of me is still in that car, watching you yell at dad, objection in my throat so desperate to be let out. But I’m choking it down, I’m holding myself back, I’m staying in the passenger seat and staying quiet despite every fiber of my being wanted to get out and stop the two of you.
Horrible shit happening in the world… I’m just out here rambling. If anyone sees or reads this, I hope it gave you something else to divert your attention from the fear inducing reality we live in, if only for a moment. Take care of yourselves out here.
January 10, 2026 at 8:27 AM
Horrible shit happening in the world… I’m just out here rambling. If anyone sees or reads this, I hope it gave you something else to divert your attention from the fear inducing reality we live in, if only for a moment. Take care of yourselves out here.
… at least, that’s how I WISH winters could be. That’s like, my IDEAL winter. In an ideal world, where we could all live according to our means and abilities, and not pressured to overwork our bodies and minds. We were never meant to work at 100% efficiency, 100% of the year. Winter is natural rest.
January 10, 2026 at 8:27 AM
… at least, that’s how I WISH winters could be. That’s like, my IDEAL winter. In an ideal world, where we could all live according to our means and abilities, and not pressured to overwork our bodies and minds. We were never meant to work at 100% efficiency, 100% of the year. Winter is natural rest.
The rest of the year, you do things. Winter, you take a step back and let things happen.
January 10, 2026 at 8:27 AM
The rest of the year, you do things. Winter, you take a step back and let things happen.
Even if where “there” is or what “there” looks like, you don’t know. You know you’ll reach that state of okay when you’re meant to. Winter is the time to let that come to you, in a vision. To let the inspiration come as it will, in its own time.
January 10, 2026 at 8:27 AM
Even if where “there” is or what “there” looks like, you don’t know. You know you’ll reach that state of okay when you’re meant to. Winter is the time to let that come to you, in a vision. To let the inspiration come as it will, in its own time.
Fall, you start winding down and storing up for Winter.
Winter, it’s like a spiral, but in a good way. Programmed cell death, as opposed to necrosis. It’s where it’s okay to spiral, without necessarily worrying about when or where you come out, because you trust/you know you will get there.
Winter, it’s like a spiral, but in a good way. Programmed cell death, as opposed to necrosis. It’s where it’s okay to spiral, without necessarily worrying about when or where you come out, because you trust/you know you will get there.
January 10, 2026 at 8:27 AM
Fall, you start winding down and storing up for Winter.
Winter, it’s like a spiral, but in a good way. Programmed cell death, as opposed to necrosis. It’s where it’s okay to spiral, without necessarily worrying about when or where you come out, because you trust/you know you will get there.
Winter, it’s like a spiral, but in a good way. Programmed cell death, as opposed to necrosis. It’s where it’s okay to spiral, without necessarily worrying about when or where you come out, because you trust/you know you will get there.