recurrent neurosis, my old friend…

depression so bad i started writing and making zines again lol

i need to bc holy shit, med withdrawals hit me like a train right after that & i’m trying to get my brain working okay again ☹️

i feel that i am incredibly capable of doing beautiful things in the world. but i am so disgusted by indifference & empty platitudes & the way i can tell when my grief is Too Much for ppl now bc i’ve heard it from ppl who didn’t care to hide their annoyance. i think cowardly apathy is more offensive

i constantly feel that the absolute core of who i am is just gone. no matter how much i adorn the remains of myself sloughing off around this void, i still am left with a doubt that it means anything. i don’t much care to make people laugh, or positively impact people or be a bright thing anymore

felt an inkling of emotional strength tonight before trying to sleep, and decided to finally export all of my voicemails from my mom. i didn’t even listen to them but seeing the dates & time stamps further broke something inside of me & i wailed so hard for an hour that it echoed thru my apartment

remembering that kate bush has the same bday as me & finding out that emily brontë also has the same bday quite literally rewired my self perception last night. astrology, synchronicities, the divine nature of personhood, fate etc. are just so Real & True, no spiritual psychosis! i’m my new religion

the intricate, labor intensive, mentally rejuvenating ritual of deep cleaning my kitchen sink, counters, fridge, and stove once a week

also further building a digital archive for myself and my friends. will share with mutuals when ready but nawt totally for free bc it is years of unbound autism & research idgaf LMAO

i haven’t been on there all day & i quite literally feel a faith in humanity that i didn’t have for 48 hours prior to today. it’s kinda hell! instead of browsing twitter for jokes, personal yet casual convo, and creative content i will simply stick to substack, websites, subreddits and a lil youtube

it would improve my quality of life/health if ppl Actually donated (engagement still doesn’t equate to help!! i haven’t received anything from this post...). i have no rent $$$$, am back in testing & treatment for chronic illness, AND medically ruled unfit to work $JSMNRN venmo.com/u/jsmnrn