So now I've found after feeling this way for so long that I'm now limiting myself when it comes to new friendships with people. Im finding reasons to not grow attached so I dont have to feel the weight anymore with the cost being feeling super alone. There is no winning my brain is poison.

I could have the happiest day of my life but the second I'm alone i feel so much weight on me. "What if I lose this friend" "what if I said something wrong and they don't like me anymore" or just simply knowing that with how life has gone I will someday never see them again. I feel I love too deeply

But with lime tho...

Every day I just be yearning for a life i won't be able to have. Love is unreachable as I am no longer a desirable person. I was born to love. What's the point

I just want to cry forever I hate having all these feelings all the time but I know I'd be more unhappy if they were gone. How am I supposed to live like this

I feel like everyday I overwhelm myself into wanting to die just to make everything stop racing and hurting

I cried taking pillows out of a closet

I just have to continue to discipline myself to constantly be looking at what I'm doing wrong so I can hopefully not make more people hate me

And im not really sure if any of this paranoia is real but gosh does my heart hurt :(

Its funny, I feel a little spoiled. Usually when I like someone they always end up liking me back and now I have to learn how to deal with this type of rejection.

Genuinely just yelling into the void rn not knowing how to talk about all these feelings I have for her knowing it most likely isn't mutual. And I just have to move on a try to stay friends. That sucks so much. My heart hurts